


Haunting Me

by Artemis_Reiko



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Gray is falling for him, He's Haunting Gray, M/M, Natsu is a Ghost, Several Flashback Chapters, Will Probably Reach 50K Words, the angst is real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-02-07 18:20:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12846846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Reiko/pseuds/Artemis_Reiko
Summary: Gray works at the local cemetery. He pays his respects to a man named Natsu, but his view of the world is threatened when the dead guy from the picture starts appearing EVERYWHERE he goes and follows him home. No one else can see him. Only Gray. And the worst part is, he's getting far too attached to someone who can't be real.





	1. Don't Cry

I set the camera to face me. I had never revealed my face to the fans before. I just posted recordings of my songs on the site and used a black backdrop with lyrics playing at the right times. I wasn't anyone special, despite the huge number of people commenting on my uploaded videos since my third song went viral. They all wanted to see me. Now they're going to… but I guess they'll wish they'd never asked me to show them who I am. I lean forward just enough to press the record button and I see my face pop up on my laptop that I plugged the camera into.

 

"Hey guys. My name is Gray Fullbuster," I smile. It's by no means a big cheesy smile like the ones some actors have on TV. It's this half-assed flash of white that I only manage to keep up for about two seconds before it fades away again. I move on from my greeting. "Here I've gone by the name Faceless. This is going to be my last video… my last song. I'm leaving to a better place. None of you will ever see me again, but I-," I pause. "Before I sing this song, I want everyone to know that when you hear about what I did, I did it because it's the only way I can be happy. That's the one thing that has to be clear," I say, even as my voice catches in my throat and goes a decibel higher, even as a tear slides down my cheek and I offer a more genuine, watery smile, "That I did it because I'm happy... I fell in love with someone who isn't here anymore… and that this, all of this, is for him."

I wipe the stray trail of saltwater from my cheek and clear my throat. "Anyway, here it is. I hope you all enjoy it."

 

I started to sing, voice levelling out with the words as I pressed play on the app on my phone and the beat I made ringed out clearly, echoing against empty wooden floors.

 

_ Don't cry, baby, don't cry _

 

_ We were meant for a short life _

 

_ Don't try, baby, don't try _

 

_ It's too late to save my mind _

 

_ Oh, how far would you go? _

 

_ You're making crazy plans _

 

_ I'm not worth all this pain, oh _

 

_ What are you doing? _

 

_ Don't you want a future _

 

_ A romance, _

 

_ No, baby you are not to blame, oh _

 

_ Just don't cry, baby, don't cry _

 

_ We were meant for a short life _

 

_ Don't try, baby, don't try _

 

_ You are still one of a kind _

 

_ And no one else may see you, _

 

_ No one else may know _

 

_ They don't get to keep you _

 

_ And I'm never letting go _

 

_ So don't cry, baby, don't cry _

 

_ I said we were meant for a short life! _

 

_ Don't try, baby, don't try _

 

_ It's too late _

 

_ You're deep inside _

 

_ My mind _

 

_ My mind _

 

_ Just how far would I go…. I'm making crazy plans… _

 

_ But I swear you're worth the pain, _

 

_ No I'll never love another, not that kind of man _

 

_ Because your smile is all I know... _

 

_ So don't cry, baby, don't cry _

 

_ We were meant for a short life _

 

_ Don't cry, baby, don't cry _

 

_ Everybody has to die… _

 

_ Sometime…. _

 

_ So if tonight a life is lost _

 

_ I will gladly pay the cost _

 

_ If it means that this time…. _

 

_ I'll get forever at your side. _

 

I lost count of how many times my voice cracked, how many times I paused a little too long to force myself to speak again, how many times I had to look down because looking at my reflection in the camera lens and at  _ him _ behind me, knowing that I was the only one who could see him, that no one else would ever understand no matter how much I tried to explain was too much. My options had been reduced to two. Him or the world. I chose him.

 

As my song ended, I looked up into the camera lens, tears streaming down my face, knowing I could only do this, reveal so much about myself, because I wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.

 

The camera was still hooked up to my laptop. The image I saw in the lens matched that on the screen in all ways but one. The laptop didn't show him, whereas I smiled at his reflection in the lens, playing it off as a smile for the audience. No one else would see his tears. No one else would ever know how hard he tried to stop me. No one else would ever realize that he would blame himself. No one would ever know that I loved him more than I could ever put into words. That the songs I'd released paled in comparison to the way he made me feel. All they would know is that I was gone, just after they got their first glimpse of me.

 

"Thank you," I said as I ended the video and proceeded to post it. I didn't bother editing it. This wasn't really for them. This was more for me to leave my mark behind, like he had left his. Something to be remembered by, so that I could finally be happy.

 

I felt the liquid pouring down from my wrist onto the wooden floor.  _ I wonder how they're going to clean that. I wonder how big of a mess I just made. _

 

Still, as the light fades from my vision and I look into his crying eyes, his beautiful flawless eyes that no one else can see, one thought rings clear in my head. It's a beautiful thought. Honest. True.

 

_ He's worth it. He's worth everything. _


	2. Three People Listening

"They're saying he tried to kill himself," a raven-haired woman said to the man beside her.

 

"It was pretty obvious," he muttered sarcastically. "Didn't you listen to the song?" he asked. His eyebrows were pinched together in the middle in a small show of annoyance. This had not been what he signed on for when he asked her out on a date. He didn't want to talk about this. About the man in the hospital bed that he had tried to hate so badly.

 

"Well, yeah, but-"

 

"But nothing," he interrupted. "He said it would be his last video. That he'd be going somewhere else. How much more obvious can you get?"

 

She shut up for a moment, and he heaved a sigh of relief, until he glanced at her again, her spiky dark hair that stuck out despite it's length, the silver necklace she wore, the infamous crop top she always had on and short shorts because she thought the weather was too hot, the slightly defined muscles that he'd come to prefer… he shut his eyes. He couldn't go through with the date now. He'd asked her out last week in an effort to get the thought of Gray out of his system. The resemblance was remarkable and Loke swung both ways. He just needed anyone to get his mind off of Gray and the thing they used to be. It might not have meant anything to Gray, the recurring one night stands, the nights spent together exploring the other's body, but it had grown to mean so much to Loke.

 

He'd loved Lucy since… for as long as he could remember actually, but she'd never looked at him with anything but friendly glances. When she'd grown feelings for some random guy with pink hair that wouldn't look twice at her, Loke had gotten drunk and tumbled into bed with Gray. No strings attached. No commitments. Then Loke let his feelings get in between them and Gray told him he was seeing someone, but wouldn't give him a name, or introduce whoever the guy was to his friends and he never even went out, so Loke was forced to accept the reality. Gray didn't want him and it wasn't because of some mystery man with good looks. It was because Loke just wasn't good enough for him and he was too much of a coward to say so.

 

Then the guy went and posted that video and made Loke doubt everything he'd assumed. Gray had tried to  _ kill himself _ because the person he loved was  _ gone. _ Probably dead. That was the only explanation that fit, but Gray hadn't seemed depressed at all at the party Cana forced him to go to. He'd seemed normal… quiet, but  _ normal. _ After all, Gray was  _ always _ quiet. It didn't make sense. And yet. Gray was in the hospital, with people worrying about him and no matter what the doctors tried he just  _ wouldn't wake up. _ There was nothing wrong with him! His vitals seemed fine. His mind just refused to cooperate. It was like he knew he'd failed to off himself and was compensating by being a stubborn mule that didn't give a rat's ass about the fact that his friends were worried about him.

 

"I just want to know who… who was worth dying for?" the girl asked, clueless to his emotions. She might have looked like Gray, dressed like Gray, walked like Gray, but she wasn't the original and he just wanted her to be quiet.  _ Just look pretty and be quiet, please. _

 

_ Me too, he thought. Who the hell was worth it, Gray? _

 

"I think he loved someone and they died," he said instead.

 

"But none of his songs seemed like he was in love until the last two!"

 

"So?" he asked. He didn't care anymore. He didn't want to be here, with her, having this conversation. He didn't want her telling him how Gray hadn't ever been in love before. How Loke hadn't meant anything to him. Rubbing salt in the wound.

 

"What do you mean, 'So?' He wasn't in love before. If the person he loved died, he wouldn't have said he was happy!" Happy. Right. He'd said he was happy while he  _ cried on camera, Gray never even cried in person with his friends, he wasn't fucking happy. And then went and slit his wrist. Happy. Okay. Whatever. _

 

"Look you're obsessing over nothing. He's in the hospital. The article said that the doctors treated him and there's technically nothing wrong with him anymore. He's just not waking up."

 

"He said he was  _ happy. _ That he did it for  _ him _ ." Yeah, the guy he never introduced to his friends. The guy he never talked about with anyone. People were supposed to want to talk about their significant other. At least that's what Loke thought. He didn't know what to think anymore.

 

"Look, it doesn't matter. He's healthy. It's some freaky unexplainable thing that's keeping him comatose for no reason. He'll wake up, and then they'll have him on suicide watch for 72 hours at the hospital, and then the reporters will blindside him and you'll get your answer. Just shut up about it."  _ I'm begging you. _

 

"Didn't you used to work at that cemetery?" she continued, ignoring his rude request. "The one that he worked in?"

 

At this the ginger-haired guy finally hesitated, his face slack with trepidation, before he admitted, "Yeah, for a while."

 

"Did you know him?"

 

"Met him a couple of times,"  _ in the middle of the night, after I got drunk enough to go to his door and offer to suck his cock. Something Lucy would never have. Something different. _

 

"What was he like?" she asked.

 

"I don't know. I didn't really know him that well."  _ Liar. _

 

"But you had an impression of him, right?" she insisted. "Did you think he was in love?"

 

Loke's face finally closed up in anger. "Look this was a bad idea. I'm going home."

 

"What? Why?" she asked, completely lost at his abrupt change of mind.

 

"I don't want to date you." Plain. Simple. To the point.

 

"Are you serious? Just because I asked about an artist you might have known?" Her face was turning red and her volume was rising and people were looking at them and he finally snapped.

 

"He isn't an artist!" he finally yelled, "He is a fucking night shift worker at a cemetery who tried to throw his life away over someone he never bothered to introduce to his friends! He is a fucking idiot who tossed everything and everyone aside for someone that, as far as everyone who fucking talks to him knows, doesn't exist! Someone who couldn't even give me a real reason for why he ended things, made up a story of a guy he wouldn't tell me  _ a single thing about _ and then went and tried to bleed himself out without giving anyone who  _ loves him a simple explanation! _ "

 

He was panting by the end of the rant. He was seething and he didn't care about how wide her eyes had grown by the end of it, or about the people openly gawking at them

 

He pulled out his wallet, looked right at her, stuffed fifty dollars into the palm of her hand. "I will pay for your food if you get the hell away from me right now."

 

He didn't wait for her reply. By tomorrow morning, the story would hit the tabloids and camera-wielding assholes would break down his front door because he couldn't keep his temper long enough for a simple date.

 

When Loke got to the hospital, he was given his visitor's pass, the name 'Leo' written in thick black letters, his birth name. He walked into Gray's room and noted that Lucy wasn't there.

 

_ Thank God. _

 

He sat in the empty chair by Gray's bed. Stared at him. His left wrist was bandaged up, but it had been two weeks and the doctors all said it was healing fine. Gray just wasn't responding to anything. His brain still had brainwave activity, but Gray just wasn't in there at the moment. Like when someone knocked on the front door of an empty house, knowing that someone lives there, but they're just not home at the moment.

 

"I hate you, Gray," he said, biting the inside of his cheek. "I really fucking hate you," he continued. Tears were streaming down his face.

 

"Wake up, Gray. Just." He wiped a tear from his face. "Just fucking wake up."

 

He didn't want to sob in a hospital. Not when none of their friends thought that he and Gray were at all particularly close. No one had ever known about them, about their thing.

 

"Choose me, dammit. Why…" he trailed off. "Why  _ him? _ Who is he, Gray? Who did you love so much you were willing to die for him? I just wish… I wish you'd chosen me," he finished.

 

There were three people listening.

 

There was a blonde out in the hall, with her hand over her mouth to keep a gasp from escaping.

 

There was Gray, wanting to apologize for hurting Loke, wanting to explain to him everything that made Natsu the love of his life, but wanting more than anything to just die so that everyone could move on, so that he could be happy with Natsu.

 

The last person to hear, was a person sitting on the bed over Gray's thighs with his legs crossed. Someone that no one could see. Someone only Gray could hear.

 

The ghost looked into Loke's face, matching tears that dropped onto sheets without leaving any visible impression, "I wish he'd chosen you too."

 

Gray tried to protest. He tried to tell Natsu he'd do it again. He screamed and screamed in his head, but no words came out. Over and over again.  _ I love you, Natsu. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I'll find my way to you, I promise.  _ A repetitive mantra that made no sound.

 


	3. Oh, Umm Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of the flashback chapters.

Gray was going to punch the light out of Loke's eyes the next time he saw him.

 

He  _ knew  _ Gray was busy, even if he didn't know with what.

 

He was planning on editing and posting his first video on the site today. His first song. It might not reach too many people, but Gray just wanted to put it out there. He didn't have any delusions of fame or glory. He was just a regular guy and he was fine with that. In fact, he preferred it. He couldn't imagine living on a tour bus for the greater part of his years and giving interviews every week in between concerts and running away from mobs of photographers. He was far too private for that. That didn't mean that he didn't want to share his music. His lyrics were a part of him, deep inside. All of the things about him that he never let anyone get close enough to see.

 

Maybe they weren't anything special, but he worked hard on his music and it was important to him. Loke didn't know that but, as far as Gray was concerned, "My ass is sore from last night," was  _ not _ a valid excuse to skip out on work and saddle Gray with his afternoon shift. Especially when Gray had the  _ night shift _ and wouldn't get a break in between the two if he was covering for  _ fucking Loke. Just limp to your damn shift, I'm not good at dealing with grieving families at the burials. There's only so much I'll do for sex, you asshole. _

 

Loke was so much better at taking on the duties of an undertaker. He knew how to shrug off the grief that hung in the atmosphere. He knew how to be charming and make some of the people smile slightly even if they were still crying. He knew how to gently nudge the lingering people away once it was closing time and they didn't realize they had to leave like everyone else, too caught up in their loss to understand that time still passed even without the person they'd seen disappear six feet under.

 

Gray, on the other hand, just walked up, picked up a shovel and got to work. He was the night watchman and, despite the occasional favor he did for other workers who called in sick, adamantly refused to do things that weren't in his job description. If that meant he would just lower the coffin, shovel dirt into the hole, stand awkwardly for the service for about two minutes and then walk away with long, purposeful strides, he really didn't care. He'd lost enough people to know that a grieving man didn't appreciate strangers crowding him, so he offered them that small courtesy. The thing Gray most hated about the afternoon shift, which was why he avoided it so determinedly, was the part where he had to kick people out at closing time. He wasn't gentle like Loke. He was abrupt and to the point and sometimes he came off as rude and he was probably the sole reason that someone had made a page for their cemetery on Yelp and proceeded to write thirty-two identical, word for word, reviews that gave them a one star rating, all stating that, "The hole-digger with the black hair is a cold bastard. Watch out for him."

 

It's not that he wasn't sympathetic. He just didn't know how to express that sympathy. He wasn't used to showing emotions much, because growing up, there had been no one to show his emotions  _ to. _ He'd been tossed back and forth every year between foster homes like a hot potato that the system wouldn't drop, but couldn't place.

 

Now that he was older and had friends and… whatever Loke was… he didn't know how to let them in. He didn't really know how to label the thing between him and Loke.

 

They hadn't been close before, only really speaking when Lucy met Erza and Erza dragged Gray to their get togethers. He'd gotten close to Lucy and some of the others, though he didn't go to all the little reunions. Ever since Cana met Bacchus and realized  _ other people can party that hard too, _ there were too many parties being thrown for Gray to keep up with. Gray had just graduated, left his foster home in favor of Erza's couch, when Lucy told him to apply at the cemetery and that she'd get Loke to put in a good word for him. Gray got the job, but him and Loke were just co-workers. That was three years ago.

 

Sometime within the last year, the ginger had gotten hungover and called Gray up, asking him to take over his shift and Gray laughed because he knew exactly what kind of hangover people got after a get together with both Cana  _ and _ Bacchus. A tentative, if distant, friendship had formed between Gray and Loke since then that had taken a screeching turn out of the blue when, months later, Loke turned up at his new place, tequila on his breath, and asked if he could suck Gray's cock.

 

Gray had a habit of stripping his clothes when he drank even the smallest bit of liquor, but he hadn't realized that it had caught Loke's attention. In fact, Loke was always hovering around Lucy, trying to get her attention. Gray had been confused, but it was no secret that he was gay, and he'd lost his virginity in the tenth grade to some senior in high school in exchange for a place to sleep for a couple weeks away from the nutcase he'd been placed with at the time, so it wasn't like he was saving himself for someone special. That ship had sailed and crashed and sunk years earlier.

 

He hadn't slept with anyone in some time though, and while he'd usually say no to someone who had obviously been drinking, Loke was attractive and willing and there was a difference between drunk and tipsy.

 

" _ How drunk are you?" he asked. _

 

_ Loke smiled, "Not much." _

 

" _ No strings?" Gray asked, looking at the exposed skin of Loke's chest where the shirt buttons were ripped off. _

 

_ Loke shook his head. "None," he replied. Gray nodded and stepped aside, letting the ginger in. It was just for one night. Just to take off the edge. _

 

It had been six months of fun so far, and Gray thought that Loke probably knew him better than all of his friends, if only because he'd spent so much time seeing a side of him that none of the others knew. And because he took advantage of Gray's good will and had him fill in for his shift three times over that time period, irritating Gray to no end.

 

Still, Gray couldn't say no anymore. He'd seen the way Loke's eyes didn't linger on Lucy anymore. He'd seen that the other male's eyes now lingered in  _ his own _ general direction and that whenever he turned to face him, Loke quickly looked away. He noticed how Loke started 'falling asleep' right after sex a lot more often, when the first few weeks, he'd been the one recovering movement in his legs as soon as possible, picking up his clothes, and rushing out the door. Gray knew he had to end it, to stop it before Loke got in too deep with him because he just didn't feel that way in return. Couldn't.

 

He cared for people, sure, but love was this delicate work of art that could lure you in and then shatter when you touched it, releasing the darkness to take a hold of you and shatter you in return. Love _killed_ people. It killed Ur when Gray's father had finally crossed one line too many and she'd decided to leave him, only to discover that leaving Silver _wasn't an option_ _he was going to allow_ and he murdered her, getting locked up for his crime and abandoning his kids to their own devices. It killed Lyon when the girl he had a crush on in middle school had run out into the street for a freaking soccer ball, not noticing the car racing down the street until Lyon shoved her out of the way and lay lifeless on the ground at her feet. It killed Ultear when she donated her kidney to Jellal, but something went wrong with her surgery, her heart stopped beating, and she never woke up again. Gray _still_ had trouble talking to Jellal when he went over to see Erza; it wasn't his fault, but something in Gray just couldn't let go of that resentment.

 

Gray wouldn't let  _ love  _ ever get a hold on him. He wouldn't let love be the death of him. People could spout all the rhetoric they wanted about love being something beautiful and mesmerizing, but it was just a mirage in a desert that let people believe they were being rescued only to fade away into the heat and leave them cruelly to die of thirst, dreaming of its return.

 

He got to the gates of the cemetery just in time to see Aries, Loke's adopted sister, walking out of the office building on the edge to greet the latest set of mourners. He walked closer, ready to follow her lead since she'd already begun speaking to them, when he saw-

 

"Lucy?"

 

The blonde turned to the side in acknowledgement, wiping away a stray tear before it could slide down her face.

 

"Oh, hi, Gray. I didn't know you were working the day shift today," she said, voice quivering under the strain of suppressed sobs.

 

"I, yeah. Lucy, are you okay? Who…" he began, but then he realized that saying 'died' might make the sobs break free and he really wasn't good with crying people. He didn't want to come off as rude to Lucy.

 

She seemed to get the point anyway. She looked at the long white vehicle and the coffin that the men were unloading, squeezing her eyes shut.

 

"His name was Natsu," she informed him, "He was a…" the tears were streaming freely now and her voice choked up as she finished with, "a friend."

 

Gray didn't buy that for a second. He'd seen Lucy when she got the call telling her that her father died and even then she hadn't broken down so quickly or struggled so much to form sentences. He looked at her, baffled as to what he should say, when something over her shoulder caught his eye. The men were unloading a framed photograph and a stand from which to hang it for the service. Gray saw the image of this Natsu that had so many people driving into the lot for him, pink locks brushed slightly to the left by the wind, light green eyes, caramel skin, and a bright wide grin with his lower lip cut off from view by a white scarf, looking no older than a teenager. He felt something seize his chest and leaned over, gripping Lucy's shoulders.

 

She stared at him, eyes blinking through the watery view, a questioning look in them and Gray, confused, startled, and trying to cover for the weird feeling around his heart, hugged her.

 

"It's going to be okay," he said. Lucy was letting out wet whines of emotional agony now and Gray wasn't even hearing them right by his ear, his brain running a mile a minute.

 

_ What the hell was that? Why did his face shock me so badly? My chest felt like… what did it feel like? Like something gripped it and squeezed. My heart's beating too fast. This… this isn't normal. What is this? _

 

He pulled Lucy by the hand to follow the others as they walked toward the burial grounds. When they reached it, he squeezed Lucy's hand once before letting go and doing his job, listening to the service, lowering the coffin, shovelling dirt into the empty space, heart thundering all the while as he snuck a myriad of glances at the blown up photograph asking himself why he felt the inexplicable impulse to cry for a stranger.

 

Gray didn't leave when it was over and people lingered. He didn't want to walk away. He couldn't stop staring at that grin. Couldn't stop the hollow feeling in his chest.

 

It was dark and far past closing time when he finally tore his eyes away and realized the others had left, and Lucy was the only other person there. Right. Closing time.

 

He tapped Lucy's shoulder to get her attention and she startled slightly, jumping a bit and turning toward him.

 

"Oh… I didn't notice it got so dark," she said.

 

Gray couldn't think of anything to say.

 

"He was so young. He… I was planning to throw him a surprise party for his nineteenth birthday," she smiled, though it looked far too painful for a show of teeth, "'Cause he said he'd never had one before and I thought if… if I could give him something special he might notice my," she stopped to swallow down another cry, "my feelings."

 

The hollow feeling in Gray's chest hardened to ice and he shook himself to clear his head at the least.

 

"I… I'm sorry for your loss," he said. It was such a common saying, but he didn't have any other words coming to mind right at the moment.

 

It seemed to be enough, as she wiped her face with her sleeve and gave him a tiny, broken smile. "I'm sorry I stayed past closing time," she said.

 

He shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'll walk you to your car."

 

Her car wouldn't turn on when they got to it, and Gray had to pop the lid and reconnect a wire that had somehow gotten dislodged from the battery.

 

He closed the lid and smiled at her. "There. Try it now."

 

She got in and turned the key and the engine hummed to life.

 

"See?" Gray stated smugly as he leaned in by her window, "It's all fired up."

 

Her face abruptly crumpled and tears leaked out as she as she hurriedly cried out, "Thanks," and drove off.

 

He stood there in bewilderment for a good minute before he shrugged and turned back to the gates. He didn't even know what he said. He just hoped that Lucy knew him well enough by now to realize that he hadn't offended her on purpose and not post another one star review on that damn webpage.

 

Gray went inside and locked the gates behind him. He stopped by the office first to use the bathroom, and to look himself in the mirror and make sure he was still completely normal. That feeling he had during the service was gnawing at his thoughts, defying his logical reasoning and making him paranoid. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He let out a breath of relief and started on his patrol of the grounds.

 

He had to walk around the edge of the perimeter and make sure no one was desecrating the graves. There'd been a murder case where a man had been sowing dead limbs to living people that he picked off the streets and ever since then the cemetery took groundskeeping  _ very seriously. _ Still, that was one time and, while Gray had performed his job admirably since they hired him, nothing weird ever happened again and nothing would-

 

Gray cut that thought immediately at the sight before him. There, hidden between the leaves of the tree at the northwest corner of the grounds were two legs, swinging back and forth.

 

While Gray gritted his teeth in irritation at a trespasser this late, he thanked the gods above that there was movement because if it had been a dead body, he thought he might quit. He stomped over to the tree and shouted, "Hey!" a strict set of instructions to get the hell out and not trespass on the grounds unauthorized again lest he want to be arrested freezing on his tongue when he looked up…

 

… into a very familiar set of light green eyes, caramel skin, bright pink locks tousled by the wind, and a small nervous smile, half covered by a white scarf.

 

"Oh, umm... Hello."

 

The smile grew much brighter at the end of the statement and Gray felt a violent fire vaporizing the shards of ice that had frozen his heart.


	4. It Will Go Away

Gray gripped one of the lower branches on the slanted tree to steady himself. If he passed out during a patrol and Loke found out, he'd never hear the end of it.

 

"You're dead." The words slipped out and as soon as he said them, he closed his eyes in disbelief, hoping that when he opened them the pink-haired guy would be gone and Gray could go to a doctor to treat his for fatigue or something, but then he heard the man speak and he opened his eyes. Still there.

 

"Uh, well… yeah," he replied sheepishly, scratching the back of his head, legs still swinging.

 

This wasn't real. It couldn't be.

 

"I buried you," Gray said, images of a light coffin being slipped into a hole six feet into the dirt flashing in his mind, "I shoveled dirt over your coffin."

 

Natsu's eyebrows drew down in an expression of slight apprehension, at a sudden loss for words, before he smiled awkwardly and green eyes looked down at Gray.

 

"Umm… Should I say thank you…?" When Gray just gripped the branch harder and continued staring at him with wide dark eyes, Natsu grinned, nodding to himself, "Thank you."

 

Gray was sure he was hallucinating. He'd finally avoided socializing and spent enough time on his own at the cemetery to snap. Erza had warned him, saying that soon he'd be an old man, all alone and talking to himself. She hadn't mentioned the part where he would see ghosts before he hit twenty-five, but she wasn't far off the mark. Here he was, talking to figments of his imagination. He really should've spent less time staring at that picture.

 

Natsu was still talking. "Although, I mean, it  _ is _ your  _ job  _ so I don't see why I have to thank you for it when you get paid to do it. Unless, you're like a volunteer or something but you're here after hours and you haven't gone home or I would be there, so really this is your fault." He had been swinging his legs rapidly, making expressive motions with his hands, but he glared at Gray by the end of his rant and Gray was struggling to breathe.

 

"My fault?" he repeated, still dazed at the turn of events. Sure. His own fault for being a recluse at his age.

 

"Well, duh," Natsu prattled on, "I mean, we could be at your place right now. Instead, we're here. Why are we here?" He looked at Gray expectantly.

 

Gray stared at him with growing confusion, muscles tensing in dread as Natsu's words registered in his brain. "My place?" he asked, " _ Why _ exactly would you set foot in my place?" He closed his eyes again.  _ Disappear. Just fade away. _ He opened them. No luck. He was going to get locked in an asylum.

 

Natsu blinked at him. Then his eyes widened and his lower lip dropped a little, mouth opening and closing, before he shook his head and his expression grew serious.

 

"I guess I have to explain. I'm Natsu," he started, smiling after his introduction before he went on, "And my spirit," he pointed at himself, "got tied down to yours, so that I could stay which  _ means," _ he enunciated loudly for emphasis, "that I go where you go." His smile grew bright and wide and Gray just stared at him with a narrowed gaze of disbelief, his grip on the branch nearly disintegrating the wood with how tightly he held onto it.

 

He gritted his teeth. "You're not  _ real," _ he said, feeling like he definitely had a screw loose in his head for saying this out loud. Natsu let out a laugh and jumped down from the branch, held out his hand for Gray. Gray didn't take it. He would not give in to his delusions. "You're just in my head," he clarified,  _ a figment of my imagination. _

 

Natsu's hand didn't falter, still held out mid-air for Gray to inspect as he said, "Of course I'm in your head. That doesn't mean I'm not real." Lingering spirits were given a choice of who they could latch onto. That person would be the only one to see them or hear them. So yeah, he was in Gray's head. That didn't mean he didn't exist. He was actually a little offended that Gray thought so.

 

He held his hand out further. Gray closed his eyes one last time. When he opened them he was still looking at a man with pink hair, green eyes, and a white scarf. He sighed. One way ticket to the looney bin. He reached out to take hold of the hand. His fingers slipped through and he was about to triumphantly declare that he was right, that Natsu wasn't real, when he looked into Natsu's eyes and realized he didn't look surprised or fade away. He was staring at their hands, waiting for something. Gray looked down at their hands, how his pale fingers slipped through the tan palm, empty air, and then he felt it, a pulsing warmth shooting up his arm, into his veins, under his skin, filling his chest with a fire he'd never felt, a warmth so pure it stole his air for a moment. Wide midnight eyes locked onto light green ones and Natsu smiled warmly.

 

Gray shook his head, even as his hand remained in place. "I'm going crazy."

 

Natsu pulled his hand back and Gray struggled not to collapse with the feeling of loss that shook his system.

 

Natsu sighed, tightening his scarf around his neck. "Ghosts that aren't ready to move on will latch onto the heart. Sorry for making things awkward with Lucy," he said.

 

Gray shot up in realization. "That was  _ you?" _ The weird shock in his chest when he'd looked at the photo before the service. Natsu looked at him in disbelief.

 

"What else would it be?" he asked.

 

Gray clenched his fists agitatedly, "I don't know, a heart attack? A new penchant for arrhythmia? A goddamn stroke? I thought I was  _ dying  _ for a moment, but no, it couldn't be anything  _ normal _ . It was  _ you." _

 

Natsu bit the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming at the man who he had chosen as his link.  _ Why couldn't I have chosen someone with less issues? _

 

"What are you, suicidal? I'm worse than three medical complications?" he asked, voice growing higher at the end.

 

"Complications that can be  _ treated," _ Gray replied. "With  _ medicine," _ he hissed out.

 

Natsu smiled, and this smile wasn't bright or happy. This smile was smug and sarcastic and angry. "Well that's just  _ too fucking bad," _ he informed Gray, "You're stuck with me." He crossed his arms smugly and Gray brushed a hand through his hair, tugging at it slightly and looking at the sky before he glared at Natsu.

 

"Why me?" he asked, "Lucy was  _ openly sobbing _ over you. She would be  _ delighted _ to have you. Why are you here?"

 

Natsu snarled out, "I'm not that cruel." Gray's anger took a halt.

 

"Cruel?" he questioned, genuinely lost.

 

"I know she had feelings for me. I'm oblivious, but I'm not blind. I wouldn't do that to her. If I stuck about hovering around her, she'd never move on." Oh. Right. Cruel. Still, there had been at least a hundred people hanging around. There were many options.

 

"Still," Gray said, "You don't even know me."

 

Natsu fidgeted slightly, shifting from foot to foot. "I'd seen you at like two of the parties with Erza and Lucy, so you probably know most of… my friends. I just… I wanted to make sure they're okay." He wouldn't look Gray in the eye.

 

" _ That's  _ why you stayed behind? Why you didn't move on? To make sure they're  _ okay?" _ He was shouting and his voice was echoing across the graveyard and Natsu was wincing at his volume but Gray didn't care. That was an incredibly  _ stupid  _ reason for him to be saddled with a ghost.

 

"No!" Natsu shouted out at about the same volume. "That's just why I chose to link to  _ you!" _

 

Gray rubbed one hand over his face. His day was not going anything like it was supposed to.

He sighed. "So why are you here?" Natsu looked vaguely irritated with his question.

 

"Because I'm linked to you now. We've been over this," he said, stretching out his syllables as if he was talking to a child.

 

Gray pinched the bridge of his nose. "No. Here. On Earth. Not up in the clouds surrounded by hot naked men with feathery wings." That was as good a version of heaven as any. Gray would go to church every Sunday if he was guaranteed that sight at the end of the tunnel. Natsu's cheeks turned a little pink and  _ well isn't that interesting _ before his face closed off.

 

"That's private," Natsu said, voice as hard as stone. Private. The reason Gray was now stuck questioning his sanity and a pink-haired stranger was ' _ latched onto his heart,' _ and that was a disgustingly sappy phrase that he didn't want to let himself linger on, was  _ private. _

 

Gray breathed in once. Let it out. Twice. Walked away. Only for Natsu to fall into step beside him, commenting on the originality of the quotes on some of the headstones, admiring some of the designs, talking about the fences of the cemetery and how the office was too small for a place of this size, and Gray wanted to yell in frustration. Not once did he speak.

 

He went home when the sun started painting the sky in hues of pink that reminded him too much of the pink locks beside him. He opened his front door, locked it behind him, only for Natsu to glide through with an angry glare that Gray astutely ignored.

 

"Just because I can walk through doors doesn't mean I like doing it," he bit out in Gray's direction. More ignoring.  _ Ignore it and it will go away. _

 

Gray went into his bedroom, locked the door, laid on top of thin white sheets and closed his eyes. Tomorrow. He would wake up tomorrow and this would all be a thing of the past. A bad dream. He would wake up and Natsu Dragneel, ghost of his imagination, would be gone.

 

He tried to ignore the way his chest tightened at the thought.


	5. At First Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Natsu was alive...

Natsu bit his lip in apprehension. Lucy was dragging him along and he really wasn't in the mood for this today. His publishing deal had just fallen through and he just wanted to get his neighbor to buy him some beer so he could pass out on his couch and feel like less of a failure. Instead he was about to enter a party with several drunk people, going by what he'd seen the last time around, and he didn't think he could muster up the patience to not punch someone in the face if they tried to hit on him.

 

They walked in and sat by Erza on one of the couches, squeezing in and Natsu tried his best to laugh and smile at all the appropriate times in conversation, when they started talking about how 'Gray' was making an appearance tonight. Natsu had heard a lot about this mysterious 'Gray,' how he'd lost everyone he considered family when he was young and ended up staying on Erza's couch for a time, how he needed to get out of his shell, how both of the girls wished he'd open up to them, how he was gay but they'd never seen him date anyone and how he'd close up whenever they tried to ask him about his dating life. It wasn't like Lucy and Erza meant to reveal so much in front of him, it was just that whenever the subject of 'Gray' came up, Natsu grew silent, flooded with curiosity, and the girls forgot to censor their conversation when he failed to comment.

 

They worried so much, but as far as Natsu was concerned, if someone lost their entire family, one person after another, and had to tough out the foster system and they still managed to make a decent human being afterward who made friends like them, then he was doing pretty well, all things considered. The Gray they described was closed off, sure, but he was strong, still standing after every blow life dealt him. Resilient. Always getting back up again no matter how many times he got knocked down. Natsu wasn't sure when he'd started feeling protective of the man, one he hadn't even met, but he was. A lot more than he thought he should be. He actually wanted to meet Gray, be a friend or something. He'd been through shit too and maybe Gray would understand better than Erza or Lucy or Cana. And they'd said Gray was gay. Natsu hadn't told anyone about his orientation yet, but he thought that it might be easier telling someone who could relate. He shook his head at his own thoughts. He was being an  _ idiot. _ He hadn't even told the friends he already had and he was considering telling a  _ stranger. _

 

He shifted slightly on the couch, uncomfortable and cramped in the small space and Lucy put a hand on his knee, looking at him expectantly. He wished she wouldn't do that. He knew she had a… crush… on him, he just didn't know how to tell her that her affections weren't reciprocated without hurting her. He smiled awkwardly, leaned in right by her ear.

 

"I'm gonna go get a drink," he shouted over the music. She smiled and nodded. He wondered if he actually heard him or was just pretending she did and he shrugged, getting up from his seat and pretending he didn't see the disappointment cross her face.

 

He made his way over to the bar, passing Cana and Bacchus and the horde of people surrounding them as they downed shot after shot in yet  _ another _ competition. Cana had a bar installed in her apartment. Natsu knew he shouldn't judge but really, he was just waiting for someone to clue in and suggest rehab to her and to Bacchus. As soon as they stopped suggesting those two hook up. Then they'd never be sober.

 

He was about to pick up a beer when someone bumped into him and he turned around, seeing that Laxus was shoving his way through the crowd toward the door. Natsu rolled his eyes, turning back to the bar. He stood there, frozen for a moment, but only a moment, staring at the man on the far end of the bar. There were other people sitting on the bar stools, but Natsu didn't notice them. Everything faded into a single point of focus.

 

The man on the far end of the bar was the most beautiful thing Natsu had ever laid eyes on. A pale defined jaw line, dark blue-tinted black hair that flowed softly with the breeze from the air conditioning unit, a small show of white teeth when he lifted his hand, clipped nails and alabaster white skin, to take a drink, tongue peeking out to lick at the small bit of alcohol left behind on his lower lip, dark midnight eyes framed by long eyelashes. Eyes that shined in the light from the window, hazy and clouded, and drifted shut when he took a drink as he slipped into his own little world, a separate dimension that didn't belong anywhere near all the people writhing against one another as they downed their drinks in the stuffy room.

 

Natsu took one step in his direction, ready to introduce himself or make a fool of himself trying to get out the right words when he saw Lucy's friend, Loke, sit in the empty seat beside the man, smiling. Loke reached out for his own drink and his hand brushed against the that pale elegant hand. A side-glance. A small devastating smile that tugged at Natsu's chest. Then Loke was standing up and heading to the exit and, slipping through, unnoticed by the crowd, and that man that had caught Natsu's attention downed the rest of the drink in his glass and slipped through the mass of people toward the exit.

 

He tried to ignore the disappointment and jealousy that rose inside him. The man had been a stranger. Natsu had no right to be jealous. Still, it frustrated him that it was  _ Loke  _ that attracted someone so… perfect. As far as Natsu knew, Loke was hopelessly in love with Lucy. It seemed that was no longer the case. He grimaced as he picked up a drink, chugged it, and headed back over to Lucy. He told her he had to go home and she frowned, but nodded.

 

The next time Lucy convinced him to go to a party, it was three months later and he was much less depressed. He'd just gotten a job in the coffee place near his apartment and he'd gotten several chapters finished on his novel. He was hoping for a bestseller, but if he simply made it through a publishing deal and to an actual printing house, he'd be happy.

 

He gave Lucy a friendly smile when he met up with her at the corner of the block and she practically beamed at him. She told him she missed him. He smiled and made some kind of joke. He didn't remember what it was anymore but she thought it was pretty funny.

 

They went inside and Natsu danced around with several of the girls, laughing and drinking and spinning them around. He smiled at Erza after she absolutely refused to dance with  _ anyone _ and then blushed when Jellal showed up and held his hand out for her to take.

 

He wished he had someone to make exceptions like that for. He just wasn't brave enough to ask. He could take on any challenge, but actually asking someone out on a date was frightening and… he couldn't get that guy from the last party out of his head. Which is stupid. He doesn't know anything about him and they're two strangers who have never said a word to each other and he just feel like such a stalker for being this attached to someone he saw for all of two minutes.

 

Natsu was just headed to the balcony to hand Freed a bucket because  _ puking over the rails of the balcony _ over an area where people could be passing by was not something he wanted Freed to feel guilty about the next day, when he saw him. The guy from the last party. Sitting at the bar next to Loke and swallowing down shots faster than Cana. Natsu nearly tripped over his own feet in surprise, but he forced himself to look away. He turned toward the balcony again, feeling like an idiot when he reached it and realized he had left the bucket behind, when Lucy popped up behind him and handed him the bucket, laughing at his forgetfulness. He smiled sheepishly and thanked her, before curiosity got the best of him. He reached out for her wrist to stop her from walking away.

 

"Hey, Luce? Isn't that Loke over there by the bar?" he asked. Lucy looked confused before she looked over and nodded.

 

"Yeah," she said, "Why?"

 

Natsu glanced over at Loke before asking, "Is he dating the guy next to him? They look kind of close."

 

Lucy nearly bent over laughing before she finally glanced up at Natsu and responded, "Loke and  _ Gray?  _ Ha! Never in a million years," she was still chuckling and she asked him, "Where did you get  _ that _ idea?"

 

Natsu just shrugged, smiling at her and holding up the bucket as an excuse to get away. He helped Freed, holding back his hair as his own thoughts raced in his head. Gray. That guy was the mysterious  _ Gray. _ The one he'd been growing protective over before he'd ever seen him. The face he'd been obsessing over the past three  _ months. _ And he wasn't with Loke. Wasn't dating anyone at all if he was to believe Lucy and Erza. Natsu smiled widely to himself as he realized that if he made a good first impression, he might have a shot. His heart beat erratically and he ran back inside, searching for the guy he'd come to know as Gray, only for his smile to fade as he realized Gray had left in the time it took him to help Freed out on the balcony. At the bar, Loke was frowning at his glass of what looked like whiskey.

 

Natsu left the party sulking, not even bothering to say goodbye to anyone as he made his way home, once again, far too sober for his liking. He shook off the disappointment and told himself that he'd just talk to Gray at the next party.

 

Gray wasn't at the next party. Or the next. Natsu would miss a party or two when he got really behind on his writing only to find out from a very pleased Erza that her friend Gray had  _ finally _ gotten out of his house for the last party and that it was such  _ a shame _ that Natsu hadn't been around to meet him. Then Natsu would determinedly attend every possible festivity only to not catch even a glimpse of him. It kept happening. It had been another two months and Natsu started to accept that it just wasn't meant to be. If he was meant to meet Gray and talk to him, maybe ask him out, it would have happened by now. He let himself drink glass after glass of booze. Whiskey. Tequila. Vodka. He didn't care. He just wanted to get wasted. He just wanted to pretend that he'd never seen and become obsessed with shining midnight colored eyes.

 

When he felt drunk enough to need to hold onto the furniture to take a step forward, he headed home. Five months. It had been five months since he'd first laid eyes on Gray. He'd already had an abnormal level of empathy for him long before that. He felt so  _ pathetic _ that the stinging in his eyes didn't even surprise him. It was just frustrating and he wiped at his eyes furiously as he held onto the fence two blocks away from his home and tried his hardest to remain standing.

 

He looked out at the distance between his spot and the street where he'd have to turn to get to his house and the sight he saw made his palms sweat and his heart race in his chest.

 

There, just across the street, was Gray, looking devastatingly beautiful in the path of the street light, starting to walk away. Natsu forced his legs forward, racing across the pavement of the block as he tried to reach him before he lost sight of him.

 

Gray had his hands in his pockets as he stared at the ground, trying to think of a way to end things with Loke, when he heard the screeching tires of a car stopping at the other side of the intersection, the sound of a person dropping out of Gray's view. There was a crowd gathering around the front of the car, people screaming for someone to call an ambulance and Gray shook his head angrily as he turned away from the scene.  _ Why can't people just learn to drive right?  _ He didn't see any reason for people to get injured just because some imbecile was behind the wheel.

 

Natsu lay on the ground, the taste of metal dripping from his mouth, air sucked out of his lungs and his vision blurring, his ears hearing the voices around him as if they were travelling through water, slow and distorted. He blinked once. Twice. He tried to move, but the pain was spreading through his muscles and it felt so very cold around him. Darkness tinted the edge of his vision and he saw the footsteps heading away on the other side of the intersection from beneath the car. Thoughts rang out in his mind, drowned out by the darkness.

 

_ Don't leave… I just want to talk to you… _


	6. Everybody Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Morning After They Met.

Gray twitched in his sleep. He probably didn't know this, but the crease between his eyebrows smoothed out when he was unconscious, giving him a serene look and his fingers clenched every few minutes, involuntarily. He also probably didn't realize that he tossed and turned until he finally managed to shift his pillow to be in front of him as he clutched it tightly against his chest and nuzzled his face against it, turned on his side. He would mumble angrily to himself in low growls until he finally kicked off the sheets and stopped sweating.

 

Gray didn't know about any of these little habits. These little actions that he never let anyone see. But now, Natsu did.

 

Natsu smiled softly as he looked down at Gray's sleeping form. He looked so cute all cuddled up with his pillow, mumbling into it every so often.

 

Still.

 

He'd been a  _ dick  _ the day before and Natsu was not feeling like the most charitable person, especially now that he didn't need sleep and he had passed the last eight hours bored and sitting cross-legged on Gray's bedroom floor so that the man could rest. Nope. He was not feeling merciful at all.

 

He clapped his hands together by Gray's ear as he screamed out, "GOOD MORNING,  _ GRAY!" _

 

Gray shot out of bed and his head passed right through Natsu's hands, making him dazed with the heat before it cleared and his eyes settled on Natsu, widening before narrowing into an award winning glare. "You're  _ still _ here?" he asked, groaning angrily and flinging his pillow through Natsu's face. Natsu's hair was blown back to the sides for a second, but it went right back to its normal look, and Gray's attack had no other effect… with the exception of Natsu looking at him with a stony expression.

 

"You understand that having things pass through me feels weird, right?" Natsu asked, arms crossed.

 

Gray buried his face in his hands, moved two fingers from over his eye to peek at Natsu, saw he was still there and slid his hands down his face, sighing heavily before asking, "Can't you just leave?"

 

Natsu was not amused. "What part of 'I'm tied to you. I go where you go' was so hard to understand?"

 

Gray still felt the need to ask, "If I ignore you for long enough, will you go away?"

 

Natsu showed all his teeth as politely as he could as he bit out, "No."

 

Another deep aggravated sigh from the man with dark eyes.

 

Natsu couldn't hold back anymore. He hadn't even done anything to make Gray angry. "Look, I'm sure this is such a huge  _ inconvenience _ to you," he started, green eyes ablaze and angry and he clenched his fists to calm himself because it wasn't like he could punch the man, "seeing as I haven't done  _ anything _ to you but just  _ exist in your presence, _ but  _ I'm  _ the one who happened to  _ die  _ and  _ I'm _ the one," he emphasized, "who now has only one person to talk to who just  _ happens to hate me  _ for no reason, so get over yourself, your  _ royal icy highness." _

 

He turned with gritted teeth, prepared to walk through the door and wander around the house, when he felt something cold pass through his wrist. He turned to Gray again, ready to angrily rant  _ again _ about how it felt weird for things to go through him, when Gray pulled his hand back and stumbled over the words, "S-sorry, forgot that I can't… umm…" he made a vague motion with his hands, pointing toward Natsu's wrist and Natsu just let out a slow breath to get a handle on his emotions.

 

Gray said something quietly and Natsu stared at him, not hearing it. "What?" he asked tiredly. He wished he could just go to sleep and ignore him at this point.

 

Gray looked up into his eyes and spoke clearly. "I don't hate you," he said, eyes dark and sincere and shining under the light streaming in from the window and Natsu felt chills racing up his spine, goosebumps rising on his skin. Maybe no one else could feel him, but the sensations of skin and bone felt pretty damn real to him. He looked into dark midnight eyes and blushed, looking away.  _ He said he doesn't hate you, not that he likes you. Stop thinking weird things. _

 

"I just… I don't  _ know  _ you," he said, not noticing Natsu's sudden fit of bashfulness, "Or I didn't, you know, when you were  _ alive, _ so this is… overwhelming." He shrugged a bit helplessly and Natsu didn't really know how to make him feel any different. He just shrugged to match it.

 

"Well, I'm Natsu," he said, "so now you know." He smiled a bit awkwardly and Gray just stared at him for a moment before chuckling and rolling his eyes.

 

"Yes,  _ I know," _ he laughed, "You already told me." He gave Natsu a small smile, like the one Natsu had seen at the first party, a brief flash of white teeth and a softening of features complemented by shining midnight eyes that stole his breath away.

 

Gray stood up, stretching out exposed limbs and a muscular abdomen that had Natsu turning bright red, making a strangled sound low in his throat, and turning around to give him some privacy. Gray was just about to bend down and pick up the pillow from the floor when he heard a half strangled mewl emanating from his ghost companion and saw that the pinkette was now facing the wall, limbs rigid. He stared in bewilderment, wondering if this was some kind of seizure from beyond the veil, and asked, "Natsu?"

 

Said ghost turned his head to the side to look at Gray over his shoulder, before his blush climbed down his neck and he turned away again, eyes clamped shut. "You just get dressed and I'll give you some privacy," he squeaked out, red-faced and fidgeting.

 

Gray had noticed the shade of red across tan cheekbones, the same shade he'd seen when he mentioned gay heaven to Natsu in the cemetery and he couldn't help but notice the level of anxiety his scantily clothed body produced in the man. He bit his lip to keep himself from chuckling as he got dressed. The ghost that latched onto him was definitely gay and Gray couldn't help but be curious about that fact since Lucy seemed to believe that he could have reciprocated her  _ feelings. _ Judging by that innocent reaction, Natsu was a  _ virgin _ and he wondered if maybe that was the big regret keeping him on earth. He let a snort out at the thought.

 

Natsu turned to glance at him, blushing at the absence of a shirt on his torso and Gray walked out of the bedroom like that. Nothing like a blushing gay ghost to stroke his ego. And really, that blush should be made illegal. It was downright adorable and Gray couldn't help the way his eyes roamed over Natsu as Natsu let himself take in their surroundings in the kitchen.

 

Gray had spent a long time staring at the photograph of the man 'tied to him' during the burial and service, but the spirit in front of him had his differences. His eyes glowed softly, a light green sheen in the moonlight when they had walked around the cemetery during Gray's patrol, and they shone brightly in the sunlight streaming in from his window at noon, but now, in the low light from the kitchen window on the other side of the house, his eyes almost looked like a faded emerald glinting like the slow waves of an open sea. Some things could never be captured in a photograph. Gray thought Natsu's eyes were one of those things.

 

A song rung out through the room from Gray's pocket. Jason Walker's "Everybody Lies." Natsu lit up and started swaying to the music, singing along way off-key and Gray couldn't help laughing as Natsu bellowed out the chorus, "Everybody lies, lies,  _ lies! _ It's the only truth  _ sometimes! _ Doesn't matter if it's out  _ there! Somewhere!  _ Waiting for the world to  _ fiiiiiiiiind!" _ as he danced around, fists in the air every time a line in the song ended.

 

Natsu looked right at him, grinning between yelled out syllables that no one else could hear and Gray choked down laughter as he looked at the screen of his phone to see who was calling. He grimaced slightly when he saw the name and realized Natsu had stopped singing.

 

The man in the white scarf suddenly looked nervous, twisting one end of the white scarf between his fingers as he asked, "You're not going to answer?"

 

Gray let his shoulders drop a little in exhaustion as he shook his head. "No, let's just… let's just let the song play," he said.

 

Natsu tilted his head sideways, looking at the phone and then back at Gray as it stopped ringing. "And…  _ Loke _ won't get mad that you let the song play?" he asked.

 

Gray was about to protest and say that  _ no, of course Loke wouldn't get mad _ when the same song rang out through the room for a second time. He sighed. Just a few months ago, seeing Loke's name pop up on the screen of his phone would have made a tingle of excitement pool in his groin. Now all he felt was dread.  _ Why did he have to call today? _ But that was an idiotic question to ask at this point because Loke had started making a habit of calling him every day and Gray didn't know what to do anymore.

 

"I'm trying to end it with him," Gray said aloud, and he wondered if Natsu being a ghost who wouldn't communicate with anyone else was what made it easier to reveal his situation with Loke to him when none of their friends had any clue. "I just… don't want to hurt him," he finished, frowning at the phone as the song ended for the second time.

 

Natsu felt conflicting emotions swirling in his chest at hearing that because Erza and Lucy had both said Gray was single and Lucy had thought the possibility of him and Loke was hilarious so he felt a bit honored that Gray trusted him with such a diligently kept secret, but at the same time he felt a huge relief and possessiveness settling deep in his gut that had no right to be there because  _ so what if he ends things with Loke? You're  _ dead,  _ you don't have a shot. _

 

Natsu looked down at the phone, just as the song started a third time and four letters flashed on the screen. Gray leaned over the counter and put his head in his arms, groaning and Natsu impulsively said, "Tell him you met someone new."

 

Gray tilted his head up. "But I  _ didn't." _

 

Natsu shrugged. "He doesn't have to know that."

 

Gray stared at him for a moment before the last line of the ringtone started and he click answer on a whim before it could go to voicemail.

 

"Hello?" he said, turning around to maintain some semblance of privacy.

 

There was a deep intake of breath on the other line before Loke spoke up and asked, "Will you go on a date with me?"

 

Gray instantly felt ten times worse than before. When he didn't answer, Loke continued talking rapidly.

 

"You don't have to. I just thought, maybe-"

 

"I met someone," Gray blurted out, interrupting his tangent. Technically not a lie. He  _ did _ meet someone. That person just happened to be dead and someone he wasn't dating, but they  _ met _ yesterday, so-

 

A silence and then, "We fucked two days ago." Shit.

 

"Loke, I'm sorry," Gray started to say, but Loke went on.

 

"Tell me about him." Loke's voice had gone sweet and low and Gray thought for a second that maybe, just maybe, his friend might be bipolar. Seriously. Not even pregnant women changed their mood that fast. Gray paused those thoughts to think of something to say. Natsu was close to Lucy and he probably met Loke at some point. He tried to think of what would be safe to say without making Loke catch on to the fact that he was talking about a dead guy. He looked at Natsu's reflection on the glass of the cabinet door. Natsu was looking out at the living room, presumably gazing out at the large window and the people beyond it. Gray let his eyes trail over soft pink locks and faded emerald eyes, tan skin and rough-looking hands in the reflection.

 

"He's… beautiful," he said into the phone, distracted by the sight and not realizing that that particular word was a poor choice considering he'd never said it to describe  _ Loke. _

 

There was an incredulous snarl on the other end of the line, "That's it? A hot  _ piece of ass _ and you drop me?"

 

"No, it's not like that!" he insisted. It really wasn't. He wasn't even dating anyone.

 

"Then, what is it like, Gray?" the ginger shouted into the phone.

 

Gray tried to be as truthful as possible without making himself sound insane.

 

"He makes me laugh," he started. "Over really stupid things," he went on, thinking about the singing and the reintroduction he'd had from Natsu that morning. "He's always smiling and it's bright and happy even when he's nervous," he said, remembering the grin Natsu was sporting when Gray first saw him swinging his legs in the tree. "He does crazy things,"  _ latches onto the heart of a stranger. _ "And he makes me nervous."  _ I was really fucking nervous when I first saw him and thought I was going to a mental institution. _ "But I make him nervous too,"  _ he blushes when I don't have a lot of clothes on, _ "and… and when he's nervous or shy he blushes and it's… cute… and should probably be banned," he admitted. "He's innocent,"  _ I think he died a virgin, _ "And we fight a lot,"  _ we yelled at each other within the first five minutes of meeting each other and right after I woke up. _ "He can be annoying,"  _ clapping his hands by my ear to wake me up as he screamed like an asshole, _ "But I can't stay mad at him for very long,"  _ not when he looked like he might cry after saying he thought I hated him, _ "And he makes my heart beat faster,"  _ I thought I might die from a heart attack during the service.  _ "He touches me and I feel warmth in my chest," the memory of the heat travelling up his arms and aiming for the heart the previous night flashed before him, "And he'll talk about the most random things," Gray laughed out, thinking about the patrol and the commentary on the quotes at the bottom of the headstones. "I don't know everything about him," Gray confessed, because he really hadn't even scratched the surface and he stared at the reflection of Natsu who was staring at the counter and listening intently even if Gray didn't know it, "But… I'm looking forward to finding out." And he was. He was very curious about Natsu and how he'd met the people at the parties, how he'd kept his obvious orientation a secret, how he'd never crossed paths with Gray before, how he'd died, why he'd been unable to move on. He wanted to know everything.

 

Loke didn't answer for a moment. Gray gripped his phone a little tighter, suddenly realizing he'd said far too much. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable with how  _ romantic _ it all sounded, how he'd said such things so easily when nothing of the sort had ever made it past his lips before. He was more startled by the fact that not a word of it was a lie.

 

"Loke?" he asked, waiting for a yell, a cry, an accusation.

 

Loke hung up the phone.

 

Gray turned around, laid his phone on the kitchen island and cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "That went well."

 

Natsu slowly brought up his eyes to look into those gorgeous midnight eyes. Ones that belonged to the man who'd just given a series of thinly veiled references to the ways they'd interacted in the last day or so. Both of them just kind of stared at each other before twin shades of pink rose up on their faces and Natsu cleared his throat. "Yeah, super well," he said sarcastically, making Gray let out a snort and just like that, the tension in the air dissipated.

 

Even if it still lingered on both of their minds.


	7. I Love You Because...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the hospital. Gray can still hear Natsu.

Gray could feel Natsu holding his hand. He could feel the warmth Natsu would send through their fingertips, could feel him there in his chest and that let him keep his sanity.

 

"Gray, I… I know I should have let you go when the accident happened," he heard in the darkness.  _ No. Natsu, I'm so glad you didn't. I didn't know I needed you until you showed up. Don't you dare regret this. _

 

The heat left his hand, but it fell on him again, little warm sensations trailing the underside of his jaw. He could feel a light, a small flickering fire starting in the center of the darkness, right at the heart of the void.

 

"I was already in love with you then. I hadn't admitted it to myself but I was almost crying that night. I had given up trying to find you and then, like fate, you were suddenly right there in front of me looking like the center of the world and I… I ran after you, not seeing anything else because nothing else mattered and suddenly I could taste metal and you were leaving and I couldn't give up," there was a shuddering breath, a warmth on the side of his neck, soothing him even as Natsu said things that tore his heart apart. He knew that Natsu had died for him. Hearing it from Natsu himself was like the nail in the coffin, shattering him, making the cold in the dark spread and take hold of him, even as he desperately searched for the flame, pulling forcefully against the cold tendrils that held him back and towards the fire. "Not when I'd been so close."

 

Tiny flickers of blue appeared far above Gray in the valley of black in his mind. Warm, but small things that hovered around him and he could feel the imprint of them instinctively on the back of his hand. Natsu's tears. Natsu was crying. The coldness settled in Gray's legs like lead and he gritted his teeth, clawing his way forward in the absence of true light.  _ Where is the fire? _ He lost sight of it, but he knew he had to be there. He belonged there. He just knew it.

 

"Then I met you and…" a laugh, "You weren't what I expected." Another sweet melodic laugh that had Gray turning in the emptiness to find it, seeing nothing. "You were better." One of the tendrils was becoming visible in the dark, latching onto Gray's arm and then shattering. The tendrils were shining like stars, each of them, cold and straining against Gray's limbs, refusing to let him go. He wouldn't let them hold him back. He needed to get back to Natsu, to tell him that he was the one who was better than anything Gray could have ever imagined, ever dreamed of.

 

"You worked so hard to show the world who you really were, even if you wouldn't let anyone really see you. You were strong and independent. Smart. Caring. You did things for me that no one… no one had ever done before. You kept me calm. Grounded," a pause where Gray just knows Natsu is gritting his teeth because Gray knows Natsu like the back of his hand, "Smiling. Because you always made me smile so easily. Even if I was upset or angry or sad, you knew just how to fix it." The ripple of warmth that passed through Gray's legs let him know that Natsu wasn't even aware of just how much Gray could feel him in this moment, how he knew Natsu was shuddering above him, trembling with the strain of holding back his cries, the cracks in his voice. Gray wished he would let them out because only Gray could hear him, because Natsu needed someone to talk to and no one else could listen. Yet, he knew Natsu was holding back precisely for that reason. He didn't want Gray to hear how broken he was and Gray knew it would shatter him to hear it, but it was shattering him slowly to know how strong Natsu was forcing himself to be. Because he always thought of Gray. He always looked out for him when he wasn't the one who needed to be looked out for. "How to fix me." Another tendril broke off, but Gray could feel the others tightening around him, refusing to relinquish their grip on him.

 

"But none of that explains why I love you," Natsu said. The tendrils jerked violently and Gray shoved his limbs forward, slipping free of them and running, running out into the open, embers of blue on the dark ground beneath him. "I love you because of the way you look in the morning." Gray could see the ground beneath him turning to stone, to marble, black and so clear he could see his reflection in it, like solidified water, and he walked along it slowly, hesitantly, feeling the cold beneath his feet. "When you wake up on your own you blink sleepily and rub at your eyes and you yawn and then you stretch and smile, and it's a tiny smile that doesn't last very long because… because you haven't had your morning coffee," he stops to let out a small laugh and Gray can hear the whimper at the end of it and he just wants to hold him, say he's sorry for putting him through this, tell him that he's listening and that he's still here and that he'll always be with him, but the darkness is spread out too wide and no matter how loud he's tried to shout, Natsu hasn't been able to hear him screaming. He isn't going to try to scream now because Natsu is still speaking and Gray lives only to hear his voice, only to feel his warmth, only to reach out to the flame that keeps disappearing on him and leaving him shrouded in the darkness he's always hated.

 

"I love you because I've seen you look at the security footage of the cemetery and bring flowers to the graves no one visits anymore," his voice goes a pitch higher as he cries out, "And because when I asked you about it you told me you knew… what it was like to be alone." Gray can hear a shaky inhale, can feel two points over his chest that are burning where he knows Natsu is clenching his fists. The tiny flame in the distance appears again, glimmering over marble floors, tiny blue lights are floating all around Gray now. "I love you because when it's early in the morning and we're just heading home from the night shift, you always stop right before entering the house… and you'll stand on the porch and watch the sky light up for a minute and your eyes glow softly in the light and I know,  _ I just know, _ that you're still remembering the time you spent in that horrible foster home, where you told me they locked you in the attic and you spent all those nights staring out of the little window, waiting for the sunrise because you couldn't see the spiders in the dark." The sound of hiccuping sobs echos in the empty space. Gray sees a new transparent tendril forming about five feet to his left and he picks up his pace, running toward the flame because he can't lose it again. He doesn't want those things to take hold of his skin again. They're a reminder of everything he's had haunting him. Of everything that haunted him before Natsu and he can't go back to what the world used to be. He can't give up Natsu after he's seen what it's like to have him, after he's felt what it's like to love him. He'll never give up on him. He knows it's a lot to ask, considering Natsu already gave up his life and he's risking his sanity, but he doesn't want Natsu to give up on him either. He's been trying so hard to find his way back to him.

 

The sobs are quieting down. "I love you because you do things like leave the television on at night because you know I can't sleep and I get bored around the house," there's a sniffling sound, and Gray is seeing the tiny flame diminishing as tiny blue lights dance around it. It's closer, but he's still too far away and he puts every ounce of energy he has into his steps, striding forward at a speed that doesn't even give him a moment to breathe because he cannot lose that flame again. Every time he loses the flame, Natsu's voice gets distorted and the tendrils cloud his vision and it feels like he's drowning, like the ground is liquefying and swallowing him whole, sinking him into the deep and only Natsu can ever pull him away.

 

Natsu's voice is growing louder and Gray can hear the grinding of his teeth as he tries to stave off the worst of his emotions. "I love you because you read to me when you know I can't turn the pages on my own," he says, just one decibel higher but Gray knows Natsu, once he starts he doesn't stop until everything's said and done and he gets 'all fired up' way too easily and Gray is laughing through tears at everything because he's getting closer to the flame and it's glowing just a little bit brighter with every word Natsu says, with every increase in volume and Gray needs him to keep talking, to scream, to keep that flame alive so that he can reach it. He just needs it to burn a little longer.

 

"I'm stupidly in love with you because you forget to go to sleep when you're writing new notes on the piano in the guest bedroom that you just threw everything out of to make a tiny studio in," Natsu tells him, "Because when you're writing a new song, you bite your lip and you sing what you have so far over and over again with every new line you write to make sure it goes with the rest of the song and you'll throw drafts away only to tug at your hair angrily and go pick them up again, because you never… you never give up." There's a pause and Gray feels something wrap around his leg and it knocks him down and his hand is only a foot away from the flame and he needs Natsu to speak up because he's so close, because it's just a distance of twelve inches and he can't fail now, he won't be able to take it.

 

"And you couldn't give up on us and what you did was stupid, so fucking stupid, Gray and I just-" the low cry comes just after Gray managed to crawl forward, leg stretched out to the point that it hurts and the cold is clawing at him but the warmth is right there, just five inches away-

 

"I love you because you took in my cat just because Lucy said he seemed to like you better than everyone else and you wanted me to have something from home and you said-" his voice chokes up, "You said that… that the house was my home now too." Gray can feel the cold tearing into the skin of his calf but he's just four inches away and the flame is still there and he's clawing at the marble surface, moving forward even if the cold could tear him apart because Natsu will always be worth the pain.

 

"I knew for sure I was in love with you the day you went to visit Ur's and Lyon's and Ultear's graves at the other cemetery… the one you said you didn't go to since their funerals because it hurt too much… and I saw you cry for the first time and it made me  _ desperate _ to touch you, to hold you, to keep you in my arms away from all the shit in the world because I never wanted you to cry again and then… then you ended up crying over me." The warmth is stretching under his jaw to the side of his neck just beneath the ear and Gray wants to lean into the touch but he's in too much pain and he just needs to get past three more inches to touch the edge of the flame.

 

"And I'm so fucking sorry, Gray. I will never hate anyone as much as I hate myself for doing this to you,"  _ You didn't do this to me, you idiot, you gave me the happiest moments of my life, I don't want to hear you say you're sorry for that because I'm not. I'm not fucking sorry about it at all, _ "because I love you so fucking much. Even when you yell at me and you get pissed off, even when you close doors in my face to make me walk through them, even when I talk loudly to distract you from what other people are saying, even when I bug you in the middle of the night because I thought of something stupid and want to tell you before I forget and you throw your pillow through me to shut me up because you're tired." Just two inches away.

 

"I love you more than anything because your voice is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and every time you're recording you close your eyes 'cause you sang the lyrics so many times you don't need to look at the sheets you wrote them down on anymore and you smile through the words and sway slightly and your fingers play on the keys and you never need to look at the piano to know exactly where you need to press down, exactly when to slow the pace for the song to make something so… so fucking  _ graceful _ that anyone who hears it can't help but stop and stare in the direction of the sound, and they have no idea, no goddamn idea, Gray, that the sight of you creating it is just as gorgeous, just as breathtaking." Just one more inch, just one tiny space, just a little further out.  _ I'm nothing compared to you, Natsu. You have no idea how wrong you are. _

 

"I am madly… completely in love with you because, Gray... because you mumble in your sleep and you need two cups of coffee before you can fully wake up and you take too long in the shower because you randomly come up with lyrics and won't come out until you've found something the words rhyme with and you put too much garlic in your food and it makes me sneeze and tear up and you keep the house cold and open the windows at night even though I hate it when the windows are open at night and none of that matters because you'll look at me and smile and everything in the background fades away and you're all that there is, all that I'll ever need and I tried letting you go, but I  _ can't... _ because even if it's hurting us both I'm too selfish to move on and I need you, Gray. I really need you. Please, please wake up."

 

The flickering flame was just a hair away and then the tendril on his leg snapped and Gray crashed into the flame, blue embers glowing softly all around the darkness like stars reflected over the marble surface like a lake reflecting the sky and for a brief second the flame went out, the darkness returned and Gray thought he'd failed again, but the fire exploded from within, emanating from every point of contact with Natsu in the real world, pouring out and scorching everything around him, bright red, orange, gold, tinges of pink in a sunrise that was delicate and mesmerizing yet hazy all at once, too bright for Gray to look directly at it without shielding his eyes, and then everything went white.


	8. Nobody Tells You Love Kills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray's first song.

Gray poured himself a second cup of coffee and Natsu gave him a strange look.

 

“What?” he asked defensively. He worked at night so he needed a little more caffeine to get on with his day. The only person he allowed to comment on it was Erza because he’d known her the longest.

 

“Nothing,” Natsu replied, eyes darting away before drifting back to the cup in Gray’s hand as he took a sip. “Just… isn’t that bad for you?”

 

Gray did not care. Not one bit. “I don’t care. I need coffee to resemble a human being,” he stated, rubbing tiredly at one eye and yawning to emphasize his point.

 

Natsu stared at him, at the cup he was sipping slowly because it was still steaming, at the tired look still adorning his face, and he bit down on his bottom lip to keep from smiling. A small little laugh still escaped him and Gray glared and that in itself was even funnier and a full-blown grin grew on his face.

 

Gray sighed irritably and turned to wash his cup.

 

“So what are we doing today?” Natsu asked from behind him.

 

Gray didn’t know what Natsu would be doing. He, himself, had plans.

 

“I’m recording my first song,” Gray said, turning toward Natsu and shrugging. He didn’t look at Natsu. It was weird, the things he was alright with revealing to him because he knew he couldn’t tell anyone. He also didn’t want to see the disbelief cross the man’s features. If worst came to worst, he could just shut more doors in the guy’s face to make him uncomfortable until he got the point and didn’t comment.

 

Because Gray was feeling so self-conscious about revealing his hobby to someone for the first time, he didn’t see the way Natsu’s eyes widened in admiration and curiosity. He didn’t notice until Natsu hopped onto the counter, sitting cross-legged in front of Gray and leaning forward with wide green eyes to ask, “I can listen, right? Can I watch?”

 

Gray took a startled step back against the sink and away from the excited pink-haired ghost looking at him expectantly and practically oozing curiosity.

 

“What? S-sure,” he stuttered out, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd stuttered and Natsu was beaming at him and he went on, “Don't you have to follow me anyway? It's not like I have a choice.”

 

Natsu's demeanor changed instantly, his face falling and his voice serious as he said, “I would turn away and cover my ears if you really didn't want me to look.”

 

Gray wanted to scoff at him but Natsu looked so sincere and he knew that if he asked for privacy, Natsu would give it to him which was something he'd never really had with anyone else. He couldn't ask for privacy from anyone else. He would have to demand it or go without it and, while Gray had never had an audience before, he thought maybe it would be okay for Natsu to hear it before he posted it online… just for a second opinion.

 

“You… you can look,” he mumbled out, turning to walk away and up the stairs to the guest bedroom. He was too nervous to look in Natsu's direction now that he was going to be hearing Gray sing and he didn't see that Natsu looked just as nervous, fidgeting as he stumbled after Gray with a bright smile.

 

Gray opened the door to the room and held it open for Natsu as the pinkette stared at the equipment in the room, a series of microphones, sound amplifiers, editing equipment, but the most notable thing in the room was a large piano, a beautiful Yamaha Grand Piano with black shining black paint that Gray had saved up money to buy for two years. The seat in front of it was beat up and outclassed by a mile and still, nothing made that piano look any less beautiful. Gray took care of that piano more than anything else in the house combined. It had been the one thing Ur wanted that she’d never been able to afford and she’d taught him to play on a cheap keyboard, making the best of what little they had.

 

He glanced at Natsu out of the corner of his eye, nervously looking for any sign of ridicule or pity in faded emerald depths and only saw a look of fascination as the ghost stared at the piano.

 

“It’s beautiful,” he said quietly, then he turned to Gray displaying a full smile with white canines as he raised his volume and said, “Gorgeous,” before his eyes widened and he turned away, a light shade of pink on his features.

 

Gray felt heat rising up to his cheeks and he forced his eyes away because Natsu looking at him so intently and declaring ‘gorgeous’ was not something he could handle so early in his day. He’d never shown this room to anyone, so it was also doing weird fluttery things to his chest that Natsu approved of it. More than approved.

 

“Thanks,” he mumbled under his breath, moving forward to set up the equipment and hook it all up to his laptop, sitting on the beat up leather seat and adjusting the placement of the microphone to bring it closer to himself. He saw Natsu staring at him, waiting, and the knowledge that someone, even a ghost, was watching him put his nerves on edge.

 

“You can sit down,” he said, not meeting those eyes, fiddling with the microphone more than he strictly had to. He didn’t see Natsu nod or smile nervously, but he felt the warmth of him slipping into the space beside him and he breathed in anxiously, trying to calm his nerves.

 

He was about to press start when he paused and looked at Natsu. “Don’t distract me,” he commanded.

 

Natsu rolled his eyes, “They can’t hear me anyway.”

 

Gray glared at him. “But _I_ can.”

 

Natsu sighed, but sent him a tiny smile and nodded. Gray breathed in one last time. Screw it. Now or never. He pressed start. The recording equipment started running and Gray pressed down on the first notes of the piano. They were soft melodic notes, echoing in the room like light taps to the rim of a glass, delicate and slow. The sound repeated itself twice and then Gray opened his mouth and began singing, voice soft and on the edge of shattering.

 

_Nobody tells you love kills_

 

Natsu had been staring at the way Gray’s fingers glided over the keys of the piano, effortless and elegant, when his head snapped back up to stare at the sound coming from those lips, something so light and heartbreaking and Natsu knew he was dead, he knew that forgetting to breathe wouldn’t kill him, but for a moment he doubted it was impossible not to die a second time because Gray’s voice… his _voice_ seemed to stop time. Gray’s eyes fell shut and still he hit the keys in the same rhythmic pattern, notes playing out and matching his tone and Natsu felt lost. Completely lost.

 _  
_ _Nobody tell you of the dangers_

 

His voice slowed down and grew just one decibel higher, only one, and still the effect was devastating.

 _  
_ _They only warn you of the strangers_

 

Then it fell the same decibel, just one level quieter, the same level as his opening line and Natsu couldn’t look away from him. He was beautiful, his eyes shut, his mouth parted slightly for the sounds to escape and his jaw tensing as each line ended, his fingers drifting over the keys like they weren’t an instrument as much as they were an extension of his body and Natsu felt like nothing else existed in that moment.

 _  
_ _But nobody tells you love kills_

 

As soon as Natsu realized what the lyrics said, the words themselves, their meaning, his heart sunk in his chest and he cursed himself for it because even if he was alive Gray obviously didn’t take chances with people and here he was, crushing on the man and stuck indefinitely because of a split second decision. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Seeing this, hearing this, knowing that no one had ever had a glimpse of it before… it was worth it. That voice was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard and somehow the sight of Gray, head tilted back as he let out the soft words, rivalled even the sound’s delicacy. Gray’s fingers started a new rhythm, one that melded flawlessly with the keys preceding it, a light string of notes that ended with a pause and then a heartbreaking press of keys at the end with every line. _  
_   
_They only tell you what it gives_

 

And then a pause between the subsequent lines that had Natsu on edge, listening intently for everything that came next. Gray didn’t just sing songs and play notes. His words told a story that you could miss a crucial part of if you let yourself get distracted for one second and Natsu didn’t want to miss anything in the blink of an eye. Gray’s voice was softening, and how it softened further without breaking, Natsu didn’t know. Something that elegant shouldn’t be possible and yet he was listening to it and it was destroying him.

 _  
_ _They all say love is a gift_ _  
_ _They'll tell you of stories and tales_ _  
_ _Say that love always prevails_   
But nobody tells you love kills

 

And every time that last line hit, it was like a dagger was digging deep into Natsu’s chest because Gray’s voice lowered for it each time and it made him pay that line so much more attention, it forced his focus onto it with a precision that he knew Gray must have intended when he wrote the song and it was a broken sound. And suddenly the tempo sped up slightly, only slightly, but Gray’s voice sped up the slightest bit to match the press of keys. _  
_ _  
_ _And nobody warns of you of it_ _  
_ _Of the clouds and the mist_   
When you fall in love

 

His voice stretched out the syllables of the word ‘love’ and Natsu felt it echoing against every surface in the room as he watched the emotions play out on Gray’s features, emotions he’d never noticed in the parties or in the cemetery, or even when the man had spoken to Loke. This was something precious and private that Gray had never shown anyone and Natsu felt his eyes clouding.

 _  
_ _Because nobody tells you love kills_

 

Gray’s voice grew quieter, the press of keys slowing down as he went on.

 _  
_ _It kills, It kills_   
Oh, It kills 

 

The sounds were so broken that Natsu felt his heart cracking, fractures spreading out over the outer layers. Gray breathed in a shuddering breath and Natsu knew that he was thinking about his mother and his brother and his sister, all the people Erza and Lucy said he’d lost to love and he understood. He understood it on a depth that physically hurt. Gray was still living in silent grief, not reaching out to anyone and this was the form his emotions took, this broken voice that echoed against the walls, these keys that rung out into the equipment, this look, the clenched jaw, the parted lips, the way his head tilted back on the slightly raised notes and how he bent forward closer to the microphone for the lower notes, knowing instinctively how close to get without distorting the sound, without touching the microphone. There were goosebumps crawling along Natsu’s skin and Gray’s fingers slowed to a stop, before slowly ringing out again as his eyes slid open slightly, staring straight up the ceiling like if he was in a silent prayer. _  
_   
But nobody tells you love kills

 

His fingers played over the keys with the smallest increase of speed that Natsu almost missed it, watching the pain and resignation swimming in those depths and then his eyes slipped closed again.

 _  
_ _Oh nobody tells you love kills_   
It kills, It kills  

 

His voice went soft again, the same rhythm that had played out at the very beginning of the song playing out as he leaned in closer to the microphone. _  
_   
No romance ever goes unpunished

 

A hesitation between every line made it blend with the keys Gray pressed down on, the fragile imitation of the sound of a glass rim bleeding out into the room one more time.

 _  
_ _Love is the fire inside,_   
It burns it victims alive

 

His voice hesitated just a moment longer than in between the other lines, one key playing out for just a second more and then-

 _  
_ _Takes the life out of their eyes..._

 

The way Gray’s voice rose in pitch slightly at the word ‘takes’ and the way he stretched out ‘eyes,’ lips moving, teeth gritting together as he forced them out brokenly, no tears slipping from his eyes, but the intonation making it painfully clear that these words were years worth of tears accumulating into one moment.

 

His hands sped up to about three times faster than they had been before, his voice speeding up to match it, two extra keys that pierced the ending silence of every line. _  
_ _  
_ _And nobody tells you love kills_ _  
_ _They all speak of the thrills_ _  
_ _They claim that it's a light_   
And that it shines so bright

 

There was no hesitation between the lines now, no pause, no second for Natsu to catch his breath because Gray was singing deeply, sonorously, and Natsu gripped the edge of the beat up leather seat for two, listening to all the things people had told Gray about love that he’d concluded were misconceptions.

 _  
_ _They say that it's worth_ _  
_ _All the pain and the hurt_ _  
_ _That it's all you could want_   
And will never deserve…

 

His voice slowed and lowered, the keys regaining their previous pattern. Gray sounded so fragile that Natsu thought the air itself was rearranging itself to not touch him, to not break him. _  
_ _  
_ _But nobody tells you love kills_ _  
_ _Oh, nobody tells you love kills_   
It kills, It kills

 

The notes were silky and smooth and quiet, and then Gray leaned away from the microphone, head tilted straight up toward the ceiling, eyes shut tight, fingers flying over the keys as he started singing loudly, high notes that stole Natsu’s ability to think, stole his ability to move. His grip on the seat went slack at the view. _  
_ _  
_ _Oh, Nobody tells you love kills!_   
Nobody tells you love kills!

 

Gray inhaled sharply, a breath that matched Natsu’s for the first time in the song. His fingers came to a stop, then pressed down one key at a time, one broken sound at a time, small cracks in the glass spreading the same way Natsu felt the cracks in his heart reacting.

 

He played out the notes without speaking, without singing, eyes drifting open and looking at the keys on the piano, the saddest expression on his features that Natsu had ever seen on anyone, but still no tears fell. _  
_   
_Nobody tells you it's wrong_

 

The words were stretched out and desolate, the piano matching it with a melody that tore at Natsu’s heart viciously.

 _  
_ _They all just say to hold on_

 

His heart broke at the look in Gray’s eyes, at the way the color in them seemed to fade as he went on singing those words, at the way he needed to fall apart and wouldn’t allow himself to, at the fact that his eyes were halfway open and he didn’t seem to realize Natsu was still there. He seemed to have forgotten the existence of the world around him and the moment was so fragile that Natsu felt afraid to breathe, lest the sound be distracting.

 _  
_ _And nobody tells you love kills..._

 

He let his voice trail off with that line, the keys still playing softly.

 _  
_ _Nobody tells you love kills_

 

He extended the first syllable in ‘nobody’ and Natsu got the feeling that Gray wished someone had given his family a warning, wished they would have listened if someone had. The thing was, Natsu didn’t think love was something people could escape if they had fair warning. Love hit you when you were most unprepared and left you stunned with the force of it, wondering what clouded your judgement when you never saw it coming in the first place and by the time you noticed what it was, you were already in too deep to walk away.

 _  
_ _It kills_   
It kills

 

Gray played out the final string of soft, fragile keys, and smiled as he pressed the button that read ‘stop.’ The silence in the room was palpable after that.

 

Natsu breathed in and Gray startled slightly, turning to face him with wide eyes and then a look of concern crept onto his face.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked, “I mean was it really that bad?”

 

Natsu let out an incredulous laugh, “What? Bad? That was… It was…” he shook his head a bit to try to think clearly.

 

Gray sighed and his shoulders seemed to cave in on themselves a little until Natsu finally found some semblance of words to describe what he’d just witnessed.

 

“Breathtaking,” he finished, the word coming out quietly and full of sincerity. Breathtaking didn’t cover it. That had been the single most mesmerizing thing Natsu had ever experienced.

 

Gray’s eyes shot up to meet his. “But you’re… you’re crying,” he said.

 

Natsu blinked. He brought up a hand to his face, felt the wetness on his cheeks.

 

“Oh,” he said, staring at the shiny liquid on his hand. He didn’t know when he’d started crying. He’d been too caught up in the sight of Gray to notice. He wiped messily at his eyes and looked at the laptop everything was plugged into, not meeting Gray’s eyes anymore.

 

“You should… you should post that,” he said, voice slightly muffled by his scarf.

 

Gray stared at him, dark eyes locked on the sight of watery emerald eyes and the way Natsu turned slightly away to hide his face, his bashfulness showing.

 

He found himself smiling gently, something in him feeling a little lighter at the fact that Natsu, the first person he’d played and sung for since Ur, liked his song enough to have tears falling in response.

 

“Thank you,” he said. He spoke faintly, a trace of disbelief still lingering in his tone and he set to work on editing the recording, putting together a lyric video that took him hours so that he could post it to the anonymous channel he’d started on YouTube.

 

Natsu watched the process with interest, but every edit Gray made to the recording seemed unnecessary to him. The way his song sounded in person, without any of the additions was perfect already. Still, Gray didn’t seem to agree and they argued about it until Natsu blurted out that it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard and Natsu blushed so hard that Gray had to bite down a laugh and he finally stopped editing the song.

 

Gray had always put off recording his songs because some of them brought back memories that he couldn’t deal with sober and he ended up drinking his liquor cabinet as he tried to push the thoughts away. It made him self-conscious and depressed for the following days, but somehow he was smiling and laughing by the time he finished the lyric video and posted it, seven hours later. He was a bit of a perfectionist and maybe no one else would like the song, but he wanted it to be the way he’d imagined it, even if it was just for himself… and Natsu.

 

He sighed tiredly when he realized what time it was and that he’d have to be back at the cemetery for his shift in an hour. He hadn’t even eaten anything.

 

It was just the slightest bit irritating going to a drive thru with Natsu in the passenger seat because the pinkette kept distracting Gray by singing random songs off-key and trying to get the ghost beside him to shut up when no one else could hear him made him look like a lunatic.

 

He ate his food quickly, and then drove in the direction of the cemetery. Natsu was smiling cheekily beside him and Gray just knew the cheerful ghost was up to something.

 

Still, as he thought of how his mood hadn’t plummeted after recording his first song and the way even the thought of Ur hadn’t been enough to keep him from smiling, he came to the conclusion that maybe Natsu wasn’t the worst company.


	9. I'm An Idiot Too

Gray pulled into the parking lot, driving right into one of the spaces reserved for employees. He felt that marking the spaces was a bit unnecessary since no one was ever parked in the lot at night except for him, but Loke had told him that finding parking for the morning and afternoon shifts was impossible and, after covering for his co-workers a few more times than Gray particularly appreciated, he understood.

 

He got out of the car, closed his door and saw Natsu stubbornly remaining seated. He rolled his eyes and walked over to the passenger side, opening the door for the ghost. Natsu looked decidedly smug as he stepped out of the car and Gray had the brief urge to slam it shut, but he waited patiently and shut it after a grinning pink-haired ghost was outside.

 

Gray walked up to the gates, pulling out his keys and using the silver one to open it. He was once again grateful that he had the night shift and that the other workers sent any mourners out before closing time. He held the gate open for Natsu who was still wearing a cheeky smile.

 

“What are you smiling about?” Gray asked irritably. He was still a little agitated because of the drive-thru incident, so his question came out more like a grumble than anything else.

 

Natsu jumped in front of him, smile bright, exposed canines. “No reason,” he said. A blatant lie. As much as he claimed not to like passing through things, Gray was sure Natsu got a kick out of having him open doors for him.

 

“Right,” Gray responded, stretching out the word sarcastically.

 

That bright smile didn’t fade in the slightest. At least, not until Gray headed toward the small office building.

 

“Umm,” Natsu started, “Don’t you have to walk around like you did yesterday?”

 

Gray tensed, but then shrugged. He didn’t tell anyone what he did on Wednesday nights, but Natsu couldn’t tell anyone anyway and he was going to stick around Gray for the foreseeable future, so he would find out eventually. Natsu looked confused, but Gray just went on, opening up the office and heading to the computer on the desk at the far end of the room by the large window. He sat down, turned on the desktop with Natsu leaning in over his shoulder, and pulled up the day’s security footage. He was speeding through it, taking notes, and Natsu was trying to understand what the numbers on the notes meant. He asked, several times, and each time Gray just told him to wait. Finally Natsu just sat down on the wooden floor in boredom, waiting for Gray to finish… whatever Gray was doing.

 

Gray flipped through the pages of the notebook he’d taken out from the desk. He took out a highlighter and marked twelve numbers, pulling up a tab that had names, and wrote several initials by those numbers.

 

“What are you doing?” Natsu asked for the fifth time. Gray stood and walked down the hall.

 

“Come on,” he said. He had a small smile and Natsu followed, albeit suspiciously.

 

They entered a large room with several vents and a few service windows that were all closed. Gray turned on the lights and Natsu curiously took in the sight of a small selection of flowers, a little garden, and several half-made flower arrangements over a long wooden table that was painted white.

 

“Okay…” Natsu said, waiting for an explanation.

 

Gray took out a fifty dollar bill and left it on the table, picking up a number of white roses and counting them out.

 

“Gray,” Natsu said, trying to get his attention. He wanted to know what the roses were for.

 

“Hmm?” Gray replied, not really paying attention as he went right back down the hall and toward the exit, Natsu following behind him in growing frustration.

 

He jumped out in front of him, only for Gray to walk straight through him and stop the moment he passed through. Natsu yelped in indignation and Gray turned around to stare at him, now shivering.

 

“What the _fuck,_ Gray?” It hadn’t necessarily felt bad just really cold and again, Natsu felt weird when things passed through him.

 

Gray didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. In fact, he looked confused and out of his element. “What the _hell_ was that?” He hadn’t been paying attention, still lost in thought as he looked at the flowers in his grip and suddenly he felt a rush of warmth _everywhere_ and then it was gone and the air felt like it was _freezing._

 

Natsu clenched his fists. “You just walked _through_ me, you asshole!”

 

Gray felt the air slowly returning to a bearable temperature and he glared at Natsu. “You didn’t have to jump in front of me, idiot,” he countered.

 

“Pay attention to your surroundings!”

 

“Don’t stand in people’s way!”

 

If Natsu was going to argue anymore, Gray didn’t stand around to hear it, already walking to the south end of the cemetery.

 

Natsu followed him, grumbling the whole way, but falling silent when Gray took a single red rose from his little collection, placing it over a woman’s grave. The name Mary Harlow was carved into the stone. Gray stood quietly and Natsu read the quote under the name, _‘An angel among us, forever in our memory.’_

 

“Was she someone important to you?” Natsu asked, tone low. He didn’t want to be insensitive if Gray needed a moment.

 

Gray shook his head, holding the rest of the flowers closer to his chest as he walked down the row of graves. Natsu looked at him uncertainly, but fell into step beside him.

 

Gray stopped at another grave, Henry Jenkins, and placed another single red rose over his grave. This one didn’t have a quote under the name and it made something twist unpleasantly in Natsu’s stomach. Maybe the man hadn’t had people who cared enough, or maybe their grief was just too potent to decide on anything to accurately describe their feelings. Either way, it didn’t sit well with him and he found himself looking away from the grave marker, glancing at Gray again as they walked along one of the small paved pathways with little lights lining it.

 

“So you don’t know any of them?” Natsu asked.

 

“No,” Gray said, several roses still in his left hand.

 

“Then… why are we visiting their graves?” He didn’t want to come off as rude but he felt like he was genuinely missing something here.

 

Gray bit his lip before sighing and admitting, “These are the people no one’s visited in the past six months.”

 

They stopped by another grave, but Natsu didn’t read the name or the quote this time. He just stared disbelievingly at Gray. “You keep track of the graves no one visits?” he asked. “People do that?”

 

Gray shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. “Not people. Just me.” He went on walking to the fourth grave.

 

Natsu was quiet for a time. Then, “So you bring them flowers?”

 

Gray nodded curtly, not looking in his direction as he put down the fourth rose. He didn’t want to see the look of pity cross Natsu’s face if he thought it was weird or stupid. Gray had his reasons.

 

Natsu let a wide smile cross his face and said, “Cool. How many today?”

 

Midnight blue eyes shot over to him doubtfully, but Natsu was looking at him expectantly and Gray replied, “Twelve.”

 

Natsu nodded and asked which name came next and Gray told him about John Hurwitz and when Natsu ran up ahead, checking the graves, he burst out laughing at the quote on the headstone, _‘I’m not even surprised. Oh well. The booze was worth it.’_

 

Gray snorted as he placed down a red rose over the man’s resting place.

 

“Cana and Bacchus,” Natsu told him, still chuckling. “That’s them.”

 

And Gray snorted harder because he could practically see those two writing that out in their wills to be engraved in their headstones.

 

They went through most of the headstones without incident, until they reached the eleventh one and Natsu took in a sharp breath. Gray placed the rose down and started walking toward the last grave, pausing when he realized Natsu wasn’t walking beside him. He turned back to ask why the guy stopped and hesitated when he caught sight of him.

 

Natsu was standing in front of the last grave, hair draped over his face, holding himself still rigidly in front of the headstone.

 

“Natsu?” Gray asked tentatively as he took a step toward him.

 

The pinkette jolted out of his trance and glanced up at Gray briefly with a pained look as he cleared his throat and bit out, “I’m just- I… I’m gonna go to the tree and you… you can go on without me.” He turned on his heel and headed for the tree at the far end of the grounds.

 

“Natsu-” Gray tried, but Natsu just picked up his pace, leaving a stunned Gray behind him.

 

Gray stood baffled for a few seconds before turning his head to look at the name on the headstone. _Igneel._ There wasn’t a quote beneath it, and Gray wondered who the man had been to Natsu. He stayed there for a while, committing the name to memory, before he walked toward the twelfth grave and placed the last of the red roses down, holding onto a single white rose in his left hand.

 

He made his way over to Natsu, his lips twitching up at the corners when he saw that the ghost was once again sitting on a low branch of the tree, swinging his legs absently, humming softly to himself, his head resting against the trunk, eyes closed. Gray pulled himself up onto another branch, sitting across from Natsu, startling him and watching green eyes flash open.

 

“Hey,” Gray said.

 

Natsu blinked at him, opened his mouth, shut it, then grinned.

 

“Oh. Umm, hello,” he said, a much less nervous rendition of the previous night.

 

Gray let out a small laugh.

 

“I want you to see something,” he said, jumping down and waiting for Natsu to jump down after him. Natsu did, stepping on some of the cherry blossoms that Gray shook free in his jump and ruefully noticing that they didn't get crushed beneath his feet.

 

His gaze fell on Gray as he wondered what the man would want to show him, feeling a little excitement despite himself. Then something made him anxious.

 

Natsu stared at the single white rose in Gray’s hand.

 

“Umm, Gray?” he questioned. Gray gave him a side glance.

 

“Yeah?” Natsu hesitated before saying what he thought. He didn’t think he could handle it if they went to another grave he recognized. There were quite a few people he’d lost and he knew most of them still had visitors a few times a year, but if any of them were Gray’s final choice, Natsu would go right back to his tree, because at this point he was claiming it as his tree, and staying there until the sun rose.

 

“I thought there were only… twelve names on your list,” he said quietly, pointedly looking at the thirteenth rose still in his hand, the question implied.

 

“There were,” Gray answered, not slowing his pace in the slightest.  

 

“Then why…?”

 

He stopped his question midway when they came to a stop in front of a very familiar grave that had a wide assortment of flowers over it, roses, lilies, carnations, orchids, azaleas, all in varying shades of pink. Natsu stared at the headstone, a little shock of disbelief running through him. He had seen the people gathering for his burial. He had pointedly stayed away once he’d successfully latched onto Gray and walked to the cherry blossom tree far from where he was being buried, swinging his legs and waiting for everyone to leave because he felt uncomfortable watching everyone suffer for him. He hadn’t even looked at the engraving on his headstone.

 

There was a slight stinging in his eyes as he saw his name, _Natsu Dragneel,_ carved in all capital letters, over the word _‘dilexit.’_ Loved. He was pretty sure that Mirajane had arranged his funeral. She was always the one with the most level head, and he remembered the same word on Lisanna’s headstone, when she died while calling him and not paying attention when she crossed the street. Natsu still remembered the message she left in his voice mail. She had confessed to him, and said she hoped he would call her back with an answer because she thought it was actually easier this way, not having to tell him face to face, and then Natsu heard the sounds of screeching tires and a hit and within a week he’d been crying at her grave. He hadn’t returned her feelings, but she was like a sister to him and then suddenly she was gone because he hadn’t picked up the phone. The fact that Mirajane really didn’t blame him, had even marked his grave with the same word, was as much a relief as it was a painful revelation. He’d never wanted to put her through that again.

 

Gray stepped forward, placing a single white rose in the center of all the other arrangements. Natsu turned to look at him with wide watery eyes.

 

Gray smiled awkwardly before looking away. “I know you’ve had a lot of visitors, but… you’re the only one here that I know, so I figured,” he paused and then spoke quickly, “I mean I’m not rich and- and I bring flowers to the others too, so, I’m sorry I couldn’t get you anything better, I just-”

 

Natsu reached out for his hand, sending a rush of warmth through it, and Gray halted abruptly, looking up at light green eyes that glowed under the faint light of the moon.

 

“I like it,” Natsu assured him, “You didn’t have to- umm….” He trailed off mumbling, his hand slipping away from Gray’s, coming up to scratch at the back of his head in a nervous gesture, a hint of pink dusting his cheeks. Natsu knew people brought flowers to other people’s graves, but Gray was looking at him intently and he said Natsu was the only one he knew and it shouldn’t have made Natsu’s heart beat louder in his ears. It shouldn’t have made him nervous because this wasn’t something he was supposed to get nervous about. There were tons of flowers on his grave. Just because Gray left a white rose, didn’t mean it was… important. Even if it felt important to Natsu. Gray brought flowers to the other graves. It didn’t mean anything to him.

 

“I wanted to,” Gray mumbled, sitting down on the grass.

 

Right. Wanted to. Natsu had to ask now.

 

“Why did you bring flowers to the others?” Just because no one visited them, didn’t mean that Gray had to take on the task. No one else would.

 

Gray looked shocked, and then he cleared his throat and smiled bitterly. “Because…” he started, his mouth closing again as he debated whether or not finish that sentence. He breathed out slowly, his eyes shining with the lights that lit up the small paved paths throughout the gravesite. “Because I know what it’s like to be alone,” he finished, tearing up some of the blades of grass beside him with his fingers.

 

For a moment, Natsu had felt jealous of the other graves, which was ridiculous because Gray wasn’t his to be jealous of, but all thoughts of envy faded away with Gray’s words. Because Gray’s smile looked like it hurt to wear and Natsu didn’t like the way it looked on his features. He sat next to him, plopping down on the grass, and he started humming. It was a slow rhythm that made Gray look at him in confusion until Natsu sung out softly, _“Nobody tells you love kills.”_

 

His voice wasn’t anywhere near as elegant and refined as Gray’s, but it was quiet and just a little bit broken as he smiled at Gray and Gray laughed as he realized what Natsu was singing. Natsu had sung a great number of songs to either entertain himself or irritate Gray in the car, but he wasn’t singing some random tune anymore, nor was he deliberately singing off-key.

 

He crossed his arms and glared at Gray, making a ‘go on’ motion with his right hand and Gray rolled his eyes even as he felt his smile growing.

 

 _“Nobody tells you of the dangers,”_ he sang, voice just a decibel louder than Natsu’s, the last word of the line distorting as he smothered a laugh because he felt ridiculous, playing sing along to his own song with Natsu and smiling through such depressing lyrics.

 

By the end of it, neither of them were singing it correctly, both of them yelling out the lyrics at each other’s faces to see who could be louder and laughing wildly in between lines.

 

Gray reached out to take one of the pink carnations from the edge of the grave, thumb stroking lightly over the petals. He turned his head to address Natsu.

 

“What does ‘dilexit’ mean?” he asked.

 

Natsu's smile faded a bit, before it softened into something a little more painful and a lot less bright. “Loved,” he said. He looked at Gray and repeated, “It means loved.”

 

Gray was still a little breathless from all the laughing and singing, and when he opened his mouth to speak, a small breath of air made it's way out of his lips before he said, “Oh.”

 

Natsu looked so guilty, as if it was his fault he died and Gray asked before he actually thought of the words, “How did you… pass away?” He tried to stay away from the word died as much as possible, the word just seemed too final and lonely for him to be comfortable with.

 

The shine in green eyes dimmed slightly and he couldn't meet Gray's eyes anymore, just staring at the white rose at the center of all the other flowers.

 

“I…” he started, voice catching. He gritted his teeth at his own stumbling and then started over. “I was hit by a car,” he said.

 

Gray tensed, his irritation rising as he remembered that car that hit someone when he was walking home a week earlier.

 

“Drunk driver?” he asked.

 

Natsu laughed bitterly, shaking his head and smiling ruefully and admitting, “Nope. Drunk pedestrian.”

 

Gray winced in sympathy. He'd probably walked home drunk a few too many times. It was a miracle he hadn't ended up the same way already.

 

“Sorry for…” Gray paused and then decided to charge on anyway, “for your loss, I guess. I mean it was your life so I guess that phrase still applies.”

 

Natsu blinked a couple of times, looking at Gray before laughing and agreeing, “Sure. Still applies.” And it did apply. He'd lost his chance to really be a part of Gray’s life at some point because he'd been too hasty. Even so, he didn't think Gray would have talked to him so freely if he was alive. The trust Gray showed him was solely because Natsu couldn't betray his secrets to anyone. It should have made him feel bad. It didn't. He was grateful he could see this much, even in his current form. He'd gotten what he wished for… even if it wasn't quite what he'd imagined or hoped for. It was… close enough. Things were a lot less stressful for him as a ghost. There was no pressure to come out or let Lucy down easy, no chasing after Gray. Gray was always beside him now. It made him smile softly.

 

Gray laughed awkwardly. It was the first time he'd said the words ‘Sorry for your loss’ to someone and got a laugh in response. Natsu was strange that way, the kind of strange Gray felt he was himself. It was a shame they hadn't met earlier and been friends or something. Maybe Gray would have laughed more and Natsu would have drunk less and they would both feel a little less helpless.

 

The sun started making an appearance on the horizon and they both headed toward the gates, Gray locking up the place and opening the car door for Natsu, something that made both of them blush because it felt too much like something someone might do on a date in the quiet atmosphere.

 

Gray turned on the radio and Natsu immediately started giving him suggestions for better radio stations and Gray gave in because it would only be for a few minutes anyway and Natsu didn't have bad taste anyway.

 

When they reached his house, Gray opened the door for Natsu again, both of them avoiding each other's eyes and trying hard not to think about dates, and Gray gave Natsu a small smile as he went to unlock the door.

 

The pinkette stood at his side, waiting patiently, and Gray looked up at him when the lock clicked open, his breath stuttering, his lungs tightening for a moment when he saw Natsu in front of the sunrise, pastel locks of hair highlighted in the light, his eyes shining when he turned his head sideways to see what Gray was staring at, tan skin practically golden and ethereal and Gray thought his legs might give out at the sight. He gripped the handle of the door tightly, needing to focus on a different sensation than the visual he was receiving.

 

Natsu looked back at him, brows furrowed together in confusion.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

“I- uh, just,” Gray stuttered out, turning the doorknob forcefully and ducking behind it, closing it behind himself and leaving a baffled Natsu outside. He knew it was mean, but he needed a second to calm himself and just remember what breathing was.

 

Natsu was irritably sliding one foot through the door slowly when Gray opened it again and it swung through Natsu's body anyway, giving him chills.

 

Gray saw the balled up fists at Natsu's sides and he started speaking before the ghost could go on an angry rant. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just, I… I don't know,” he finished badly, because he really didn't know how to explain himself or his actions within the past three minutes.

 

Natsu stared at him, took in a deep slow breath, exhaled and nodded, walking straight through Gray and causing a shiver to run up his spine when the cold air of his home hit him as soon as Natsu was one foot away from him.

 

Natsu grinned cheekily and Gray tried to will away the goosebumps on his skin, coming to the conclusion that he would have to close the windows next time before leaving the house in case Natsu made a habit of making him freeze.

 

“You're an idiot,” he said aloud, a small laugh bleeding through his words despite his best efforts.

 

Natsu put on a wounded look as he bit back his smile and said, “That hurts, Gray. My heart is just breaking because you're so cruel.”

 

Gray rolled his eyes, his smile growing in intensity at Natsu's antics, as ridiculous as they were.

 

He headed up the stairs, taking off his shirt and revelling in the yelp that action brought out of his pink-haired green-eyed ghost and heading into the bathroom, closing the door behind himself and undressing the rest of the way in a few seconds, stepping into the shower.

 

He felt the water hit his skin, raining down on him, and he relaxed under the stream, thinking about the way he'd smiled more in the past day and a half with a ghost than he had with any of his friends in years, how he found the ghost attractive of all things, and how he was pretty sure that ghost was becoming his best friend at an alarmingly fast rate, learning more about him than he allowed anyone to see in a little over twenty-four hours. He pressed his forehead against the shower wall, sighing. He felt insane. “Don't worry,” he whispered quietly, the words not meant for himself and yet not meant for its recipient to actually hear, “I'm an idiot too.”

 

He stepped back from the shower head and the fast droplets of water. He repeated the words. Then a small smile formed on his face. He said them out loud again, an idea forming in his mind, his voice taking on a slow melodic pitch. “Don't you worry, I'm an idiot too… don't go thinking… that it's only you… don't worry your head with depressing thoughts… Alone is something that, you are not… don't worry, my friend, I'm the same shade of lost… You are an idiot, it's just what you do… But don't you worry… I'm an idiot too.”

  
He rushed through the rest of his shower, slipping a towel around his hips and rushing into his small music room, resigning himself to not sleeping tonight as a red-faced ghost followed him into the room, not looking directly at him for more than two seconds at a time.


	10. Awkward Idiots

Natsu was trying to think of a way to delicately bring up the subject of clothes to Gray when the man stood from the beat up leather seat and walked to the chest of drawers by the window, shutting said window in the process and the white curtains. He started pulling open the drawers, taking out a stack of paper and a couple of pens, testing the ink and then bringing his small collections of supplies to his piano, laying them out over the cover and writing furiously, humming to himself, pausing every so often and biting his lip and then closing his eyes and tapping his fingers against the wood, opening his eyes after starting a small rhythm and then trying it on the piano keys, lower lip being rolled back and forth nervously between his teeth. 

 

“Ahem,” Natsu tried. Gray looked up at him, teeth releasing his lip and it looked slightly reddened and wet and Natsu suddenly couldn’t remember what he had wanted to say, the sight of Gray in nothing but a towel with wet hair and a reddened lip, water dripping down his neck and chest was too much for his virgin eyes. 

 

“What is it?” Gray asked. Natsu shook his head dazedly. 

 

“N-nothing,” he stuttered out, heart pounding in his ears. 

 

Midnight blue eyes observed him, looking at him up and down before pale defined shoulders shrugged and Gray said, “You want to sit down?” 

 

Natsu carefully stepped forward, trying to save himself the embarrassment of tripping over his own feet, and sat down on the very edge of the small leather seat, keeping as much space between himself and the milky white thighs that were peeking out from under the towel as it rode up slightly- 

 

Natsu jerked his eyes up and away from Gray and determinedly focused on the sheets of paper that Gray was writing on. 

 

Then Gray started singing out a verse and Natsu couldn’t have looked away from him if he tried, his voice a much deeper tone that the previous one, starting out louder, a cross between Kaleo and The Script, but Gray just looked so much better as the words formed on his tongue. 

 

_ Don't you worry, I'm an idiot too  _

_ Don't go thinking, that it's only you  _

_ Don't worry your head, with depressing thoughts  _

_ Alone is something that, you are not  _

_ Don't worry, my friend, I'm the same shade of lost  _

 

Unlike his first song, where he’d placed emphasis on a select few words, this time he was dragging out the syllables in most of them, leaving only a select few as they were. It was deep and rich and gorgeous and Natsu found himself wondering who the song was for. Then Gray was looking straight at him, a small teasing smile, amusement dancing in his eyes, wet hair sending droplets of water flying as he turned his head, his voice shooting up in volume. 

 

_ You are an idiot, it's just what you do  _

 

And Natsu was too busy staring at the way Gray’s collarbones met at the hollow of his throat and the way that smile fit so much better than the frown of the previous day to be offended. Then that voice lowered and slowed and Gray’s smile turned apologetic and diffident. 

 

_ But don't you worry, I'm an idiot too. _

 

Gray stopped and looked at Natsu expectantly. 

 

“Umm, what?” Natsu was trying very hard to form a coherent sentence and failing fantastically. 

 

Gray laughed and rolled his eyes. “I’m asking how I should go on,” he informed the stunned spirit. 

 

Natsu was wiping sweaty palms against the side of his legs and staring at the lyrics in Gray’s neat handwriting as he said, “I… I don’t know, why are you claiming you’re an idiot?” 

 

Gray looked back at what he’d written so far and then looked back at Natsu and gave him a bright smile before humming softly to himself, eyes closed, fingers playing over the piano keys before he stopped, bit his lip, and scribbled out new lyrics madly, the towel opening slightly over one pale thigh as he leaned forward, Natsu red and fidgeting beside him. Gray didn’t seem to notice or care about the state of his undress. 

 

He started playing rushed notes on the piano, stopping every few keys and starting over again with a slightly altered pattern until finally he seemed pleased and kept it going as he started repeating the first verse, then observing Natsu from the corner of his eye as he added on the new words, loud and cheerful. 

 

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots! _

_ Laughing out loud _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots! _

_ Avoiding the crowd  _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots!  _

_ Sitting in a tree _

 

He slowed slightly, but only slightly as he finished the second verse. Natsu’s blush just kept deepening as the song went on, the references not lost on him, the tree reference causing him to glance away for a second and bury his face in his hands, children’s songs of sitting in trees for less innocent escapades coming to mind. He was sure Gray hadn’t meant the line that way but hearing him sing it as he looked at Natsu with such a joyful expression was doing weird things to his stomach. 

 

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots  _

_ Just you and me  _

 

Then he picked up the pace again, the laugh practically audible in his voice. 

 

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots! _

_ Dark blue and pink _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots!  _

_ Singing off-key  _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots! _

_ Out late at night  _

 

Slowing down once more, eyes slipping shut as his arm came dangerously close to Natsu’s body as he reached for the furthest keys. Natsu felt his face burning as the slit of the towel widened, exposing more flesh so close to him. 

 

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots  _

_ Only half alive…  _

 

And then he was slowing his fingers over the piano keys, a slow pattern that reminded Natsu of lullabies and music boxes and distracted him from the view of the rest of Gray’s body, his blush abating a miniscule amount. 

 

_ Don't you worry, I'm an idiot too  _

_ Don't go thinking, that it's only you  _

_ Don't worry your head, with depressing thoughts  _

_ Alone is something that, you are not  _

_ Don't worry, my friend, I'm the same shade of lost  _

 

Gray’s voice went light and angelic for the following couple of lines and Natsu felt like he was melting. 

 

_ You are an idiot, it's just what you do  _

_ But don't you worry, I'm an idiot too. _

 

He played the same melody over the piano keys, a few beats faster, a small smile playing out over his features as his eyes slid over to Natsu briefly, then refocusing on the keys. 

 

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots,  _

_ Laughing out loud _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots  _

_ Avoiding the crowd  _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots  _

_ Sitting in a tree _

_ Let’s claim we’re the idiots  _

_ Just you and me  _

 

Natsu was fairly certain Gray had been a choir boy. There was no way someone just… just naturally hit the high note he had for the word ‘me.’ He refused to believe it. He opened his mouth to say something but then Gray’s voice rang out with a fragile string of keys as he finished, just one more small verse, quiet and drawn out, the music box effect returning. 

 

_ You are an idiot…  _

 

_ It’s just what you do… _

 

_ But don’t, you worry  _

 

_ I’m an idiot too  _

 

And he finished off meeting bright green eyes, the source of his inspiration for the piece incredibly clear. 

 

Gray turned to him excitedly, the slit of the towel climbing up further on his thigh, and questioned, “So?” 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“Did you like it?” Gray clarified, biting his lip. 

 

Natsu rushed to reassure him even as their knees touched and he felt his muscles trembling with the strain of staying locked in place. 

 

“Oh, umm, I- yes,” he got out, words blurting out with nothing to follow them until he settled on the last single word response. 

 

Gray’s smile was blinding and Natsu felt knots in his stomach and then Gray was nodding happily and standing up to get the recording equipment and the towel was slipping off and Natsu shot his left hand out to try to hold it up, forgetting that the towel would just fall straight through his fingers, and he moved forward too quickly and his hand went straight through Gray’s right hip, the heat causing Gray to jolt and turn toward him and Natsu was flailing around for leverage and his left hand latched onto the leather seat even as he fell forward and his face… 

 

Natsu’s eyes were wide and his face bright.

 

… his face was directly in front of Gray’s completely exposed crotch. 

 

Both of them froze in the position and the warmth radiating from Natsu’s face so close had Gray  _ reacting  _ and Natsu yelped and flung himself backward, stuttering and red faced and running straight through the door, bearing the weird feeling in order to get a moment away from the sight of Gray and Gray’s… Gray’s…  _ thing. _

 

Gray was scrambling for the towel inside the music room, wrapping it around his hips again and cursing himself for his carelessness. He sat in front of the piano, trying to breathe and will away two things. The first was the full body flush that had taken over him which he didn’t appreciate considering he’d never been particularly embarrassed about his body. The second was the uncomfortably rigid tent under the towel. 

 

A high voice came in through the door. 

 

“I- I’m just, I’ll be downstairs!” 

 

Gray felt both grateful and irritated because his member twitched at the voice and his heart was racing in his chest. That voice. Those lips had been so close and- 

 

Gray groaned in frustration. Natsu was a  _ ghost _ . It didn’t matter that the warmth made him have an unfortunate reaction. Nothing could happen because Natsu was  _ dead _ and Gray felt incredibly ridiculous for not being able to will the hardness between his legs away. He cursed angrily and got up, walking out of the room and heading to the bathroom. Natsu had said he would be downstairs, so Gray didn’t feel he had to worry about him quite yet. 

 

He locked himself in the bathroom, dropping the towel and stepping into the bathtub. He figured he hadn’t dressed yet so he could just wash the evidence away afterward. He didn’t think a cold shower would help in the least, considering how the cold usually didn’t affect him. 

 

He wrapped one hand around his shaft, fingers trailing upward and thumbing the slit, his hips twitching forward slightly. He brought up his right hand to spit in it, getting his saliva over his cock and pumping slowly. The window was closed, but he left the shower curtain open, a small part of him fantasizing that Natsu would come inside and watch him. He closed his eyes, one hand scratching up his abdomen and leaving light pink marks on his skin before he took one nipple in between his thumb and index finger, pinching it slightly. 

 

“Mmm,” he let out, his hand speeding up, his eyes still clamped shut as he bit his lip and imagined the flush on tan cheeks, wide green eyes, a high stuttering voice. The thought that Natsu was probably a virgin spurred him on, his hips bucking into his own hand, his head tilting back to rest against the shower wall. Those wide eyes looking at him. Warm breaths against his cock. A tentative lick from a pink tongue. Pretty innocent lips opening wide for him. His hand gripping soft pink locks. 

 

Gray sped up his movements, letting out harsh breaths, lost in his fantasy, the thoughts of the pinkette's lips sliding up and down over his shaft, those canines just barely grazing against his tip mingling pleasure with a hint of pain.

 

_ “Nnngh, fuck.”  _

 

He was jerking off furiously, that familiar feeling pooling in his gut, and then- 

 

“Oh my god-” 

 

His eyes shot open and he tried to stop it but he was too far gone and he bit his lip, a groan escaping despite his best efforts to hold it back, and ribbons of white were shooting out over his abdomen, all in the view of a ghost that looked like he might pass out at any second, face crimson and Gray was trying to recover his breaths and too spent to care. 

 

“What- you-” he tried. 

 

Natsu was clenching his eyes shut tightly, hands flying over them as he tried to explain, his words soaring out faster than Gray thought possible. 

 

“Someone was at the door and- and I, I didn’t- You had already taken a shower and y-you were taking a long time and I-I thought you were washing your hands or- or something, not… not… you- I just.” He didn’t finish the thought as he just backed out through the door again a helpless sound in his throat, the words, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” being repeated from beyond the barrier. 

 

Gray belatedly closed the curtain and turned on the shower to wash away the drying white substance on his torso and just stared at the drain by his feet. Well. That hadn’t gone as planned. He’d fantasized about Natsu watching him for that brief second, but it had been just that. A  _ fantasy.  _ It wasn’t actually supposed to happen. The thought that Natsu had not only seen, but watched the grand finale, brought heat to his cheeks. He turned up the cold water. He felt clean again and he turned off the water, taking out a new towel from the rack and heading to his bedroom to actually put on some clothes. He settled on pyjamas. Which were boxers and a T-shirt, but Natsu had already seen everything so it wasn’t the time to develop modesty. 

 

Natsu didn’t look at him when he came downstairs, and Gray saw his phone had several missed calls blinking on the screen as it lay on the coffee table. He checked the front door, but no one was there anymore. He checked his phone. He tensed. Erza. 

 

He called back, waiting for her to pick up. 

 

“Gray, where have you been?” 

 

She sounded like she was frustrated, and he figured that if she’d come all the way to his house to look for him, then she would be. Although, there was a hint of worry in her voice that he felt guilty for causing. Erza didn’t worry about a lot of people. 

 

“I… home. Work. Around,” he said. 

 

“I haven’t heard from you in three weeks,” she informed him crisply. He winced. He’d been so preoccupied trying to bring things up with Loke, and failing to do so when the man crawled into his lap and did obscene things with his tongue, that he had taken to avoiding the others so that they couldn’t drag him to the parties anymore and so that maybe Loke would just come to the conclusion himself that they weren’t an item. Of course, that hadn’t worked and now he wasn’t sure Loke would ever speak to him again. In the process, he’d managed to push Erza away and she was the closest thing he had to family. 

 

He sighed. “I’m sorry… I,” he paused, not really knowing how to explain because the thing with Loke had never been something they discussed in public and he didn’t know if Loke had told anyone. “I can make it up to you?” he said, more of a question than a statement and he really hoped she wasn’t too angry with him. 

 

“There’s a party tonight,” she started. Gray groaned. She carried on, “Gray you haven’t seen any of your friends, believe me, I asked. It’s one party and it’s Saturday night and I know you don’t work weekends.” 

 

Gray plopped down on the couch, sagging into it tiredly. He looked at his screen. Ten in the morning. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly. He could sleep until five, eat, have coffee, and then head out at eight. Erza would want him to show up early with how adamantly he’d avoided socializing lately. He glanced at Natsu who was pointedly looking out the window. Things would be awkward for a little while with the ghost, so maybe a party wouldn’t be the worst thing. 

 

“Okay,” he replied. 

 

“Gray, you are going or I swear- wait, okay?” She sounded so incredulous that Gray snorted. 

 

“Okay,” he repeated. 

 

“Oh,” she said, then added, “Good,” with such authority that Gray rolled his eyes. 

 

“Goodnight, Erza,” he said. 

 

“It’s morning,” she corrected him. He could practically see her glaring at the phone. 

 

“Not until I wake up,” he told her, hanging up the phone before she could argue her side. 

 

He placed the phone back on the coffee table. He looked at his ghost companion and hesitated before saying, “Hey, Natsu?” 

 

Natsu let his eyes glance up at Gray from across the coffee table where he was sitting cross-legged on the floor. He tilted his head to the side, waiting for Gray to elaborate, pink still dusting his features. He still wasn’t quite confident in his ability to form words, the scene from a few minutes earlier still playing over and over in his head. 

 

Gray smiled, an awkward smile that matched the situation. “We’re going to a party tonight.” 

 

In truth, Gray didn’t feel too enthusiastic about the gathering at Cana’s. Chances were that Loke would be there and he had no idea what terms they were on. He had also seen Laxus at one of the parties a while back and every time he went since he was looking around to make sure the blonde didn’t make an appearance. Things were awkward between him and Laxus since those two weeks in tenth grade and the man had tried to make some green-haired guy jealous by looming over Gray at the bar and he just felt uncomfortable. Laxus was a reminder of a time when Gray had been helpless and had needed a place to stay, when not even Erza had been able to help him. 

 

Laxus had hit on him several times during the year, but Gray had been a virgin and Laxus had been a senior and Gray knew exactly what the guy was looking to get from him. When Gray’s guardian started making… advances… on him, Gray had picked the lesser of two evils and made a deal with Laxus. Sex for a place to sleep until the social workers finally showed up on the man’s door. That had been how Gray lost his virginity. He couldn’t complain about it. It had hurt at first, but Laxus was good and rough and those had been the least depressing weeks of Gray’s experience in high school. Things were just very awkward afterward when they ever saw each other. 

 

He almost called Erza to say that he’d changed his mind, but Natsu had a small smile on his face and it made things the tiniest bit less awkward when he said, “Cool. I’m all fired up.” 

 

Still, suddenly Gray felt like an asshole. 

 

“You- oh god,  _ that’s  _ why Lucy started crying when I fixed her car,” he said, his eyes widening in slight horror. 

 

Natsu looked confused and he asked, “What? Why would that make her cry?” Natsu had been sitting in the tree, waiting for Gray to go home so that he could come along and only watching from far away. He hadn’t realized Lucy was crying. 

 

Gray grimaced and said, “You said you were ‘all fired up.’  _ God. _ I fixed her car and I told her it was ‘all fired up.’ I’m a  _ dick.”  _ He was leaning forward, his elbows over his thighs, his hands over his face. 

 

Then he heard something that made him look up slowly. 

 

Natsu was laughing, just gasping, before he let himself fall back on the floor holding his stomach. 

 

“It’s not  _ funny!” _ Gray said, throwing a cushion at him. 

 

Natsu just grinned. “Holy shit. You are. You’re a dick.” 

 

“You’re not helping!” Gray yelled at him, throwing a second cushion that Natsu jumped out of the way of. 

 

“Wasn’t trying to,” Natsu laughed. 

 

And Gray found himself feeling grateful for Erza and the way her call had dissipated the awkwardness between them. He didn’t think they would be talking about it. He wasn’t even sure what he would say. He felt curious, though, as to what Natsu thought about the events of the day. He didn’t want the weird silent tension to return, so he stayed quiet, throwing couch cushions at a laughing ghost who kept dodging them easily until Gray fell asleep, eyes drifting shut right there in the living room. 


	11. A Premature Love

Waking up to the sight of pink locks and green eyes so close to his face nearly gave Gray a heart attack. 

 

To be perfectly fair, the widening of green eyes and the startled jump back of his overly friendly ghost told him that he wasn’t the only one scared shitless. Apparently Natsu hadn’t exactly been expecting Gray to wake up and had chosen that moment, in his sparsely furnished living room, to observe him closely. For what, Gray didn’t know, and his heart hadn’t quite recovered enough for him to ask. He was starting to get a gnawing feeling in his stomach, a little voice in his head telling him that Natsu’s mere presence in his home, in his car, in his life in general, had a greater effect on him than was strictly normal. 

 

“I-I’m sorry, I-” 

 

“It’s fine,” Gray blurted out before Natsu could turn any redder at being caught in a semi-compromising position. He was immediately confused with himself. It was most decidedly  _ not _ fine; his heart was still beating a mile a minute and he still didn’t know why Natsu was close enough to… to… well, Gray didn’t know what exactly Natsu would have done since they couldn’t exactly touch, but it felt like Natsu would have done  _ something _ and Gray was suddenly frightened by the level of sheer  _ want _ he felt at the thought that left his mouth dry. He wanted to ask. He also didn’t want to make Natsu uncomfortable and the pinkette was already fidgeting and continuing his string of apologies and Gray was repeating that it was  _ fine _ before he really thought about it. Somehow, he wanted Natsu to be at ease more than he wanted to know what the hell the man had been doing and whether or not he knew about the concept of personal space. 

 

“I, umm, I didn’t mean to-” 

 

Gray groaned and Natsu’s mouth shut abruptly, green eyes latching onto midnight ones intently in the light streaming in from the living room window. 

 

“Natsu, it’s… it’s fine. Okay?” He kept his gaze on the pinkette and flashed a small smile to show he really was okay with… whatever that had been and that he wasn’t going to ignore Natsu and slam doors in his face because of it. The tan ghost had already gotten a full view of Gray’s dick, even in all of its spasming glory, so Gray couldn’t really bring himself to be upset over a once-over of his face. A face that was now hosting a faint blush as be abruptly turned away and got up to walk toward the kitchen and hide his face. If Natsu saw any hint of embarrassment in Gray’s face, he’d feel like it was his fault and it  _ was _ because  _ who doesn’t knock on a closed bathroom door before entering? _ But Gray supposed that since pink lips and wide eyes had been less than a foot away from his exposed member not ten minutes before then, maybe it was too late for false-modesty. 

 

Natsu nodded silently, not that Gray was looking at him anymore to notice, but he hoped Gray got the point because he was a little too flustered to speak right about now. Gray was nice and understanding and  _ sex on legs _ and Natsu felt just a little bit miserable as he almost walked through a chair and remembered,  _ oh right, I’m dead and can’t do anything about it. _ He sighed tiredly. He  _ really _ wished that ghosts could sleep. Thinking every second of every day was more exhausting than he ever thought it would be and he wanted some peace of mind. Or for Gray to be awake more. It was boring around the house when Gray was asleep. Then again, that was why Natsu would sit and watch Gray, the little twitches of his fingers, the small sighs when he would move, the crease between his eyebrows when his dreams seemed to change course. Natsu wouldn’t trade those moments for the world because he felt honored to be the only person who really got to see them. By the way Gray ended things with  _ Loke, _ all fast and pretty much cruel and distracted, Natsu didn’t think they were more than a series of one night stands. Which meant that Gray didn’t let people see him like that. Asleep. Vulnerable. Beautiful. It made Natsu’s chest ache slightly and he promptly shoved the feeling away. 

 

Gray stretched as he turned toward Natsu, eggs and bacon on his plate and his signature cup of coffee, and Natsu blushed at the sight of the V-line that peeked out from beneath Gray’s shirt. Jesus. Gray was unnaturally good-looking. It was unfair. 

 

He met Gray’s eyes, and the man looked at him with a hint of worry. 

 

“You look like shit.” He grimaced as soon as the words came out of his mouth. That probably hadn’t been the best way to say it, judging by the way green eyes narrowed at him irritably. 

 

“Gee, thanks. That did wonders for my confidence.” Natsu had a feeling Gray just didn’t have a filter and hadn’t meant to offend him in the first place, but he couldn’t help getting riled up and he wished he’d answered with less sarcasm. Oh well. Too late. Dark eyes were giving him a deadpan look and he’d already realized that Gray wasn’t the least bit hesitant to trade sarcastic remarks with him in arguments. 

 

Pale arms crossed over a toned chest and the reply that came was, “I call it like I see it.” 

 

Gray didn’t want Natsu to get mad at him really, but it was fun teasing him and Natsu was getting louder and his jaw tightened a bit and hell, if that didn’t look cute. 

 

“Well, then you don’t  _ have _ to see it,” Natsu let out, stomping over to the stairs and Gray followed after him, almost forgetting that he couldn’t touch him as he reached out before pulling back and settling on words instead. 

 

“Natsu, why don’t you just go to sleep?” he asked. He soon felt a twinge of regret for asking because Natsu turned back to stare at him, brows drawn together in annoyance, eyes glaring holes into his face. 

 

“Ghosts don’t sleep,” he gritted out. Well, shit. Gray felt like an asshole. 

 

Natsu must have seen the realization and guilt spread out over his face because suddenly his gaze softened and he sighed. Then he pasted on a bright smile and asked, “So, we’re going to a party?” 

 

Gray had felt a tiny bit of second hand happiness lighting up inside him as he somehow managed to get Natsu to smile for the first time today, but it evaporated and soon molded itself into dread as the prospect of the party came to him again. He certainly wasn’t looking forward to it. He was sure Loke would be there. Possibly Laxus too. Not to mention that Erza would want him to socialize with everyone when Gray just didn’t feel like he had the energy or the will to do so and he knew that if Lucy went, so soon after the loss of her romantic interest, he wouldn’t even be able to go to her to avoid the awkwardness of socializing with other people because she would end up crying and he really wasn’t good with crying people. He had two fail safes at every festivity. Loke and Lucy. Now he had no wall to shield himself with and he had a ghost to deal with on top of that whom no one else would see or hear, meaning that Gray wouldn’t be able to drink too much lest he look delusional talking to empty air. Then again, if he got drunk  _ enough, _ maybe no one would question it. He ignored his own sour reaction to the idea of the gathering and put on a small smile for Natsu. 

 

“Yeah, in an hour or so,” he replied. 

 

Natsu beamed at him and Gray made a mental note to leave the television on downstairs so that Natsu would be less exhausted with his own thoughts and boredom at night and might smile like that more often. Gray wouldn’t say so out loud, but a cheerful Natsu made him bite back small smiles of his own and he felt a little bit of weight lifting from his shoulders every time Natsu seemed happy. He didn’t let himself dwell on it. He would just enjoy the effects of the strange energetic ghost while they lasted. Natsu distracted him from his own thoughts, thoughts that would make him want to get drunk out of his mind more often than not, so he would acknowledge that the ghost’s presence in his life was preferable to going to therapy any time in the near future. He’d gone to therapy a few times as a teenage because of nosy teachers who didn’t know how to mind their own business, and it really hadn’t done anything but get him from bad foster homes to worse ones. Out of the frying pan, into the fire. Needless to say, he didn’t have the best experience where psychologists and therapists were concerned. He’d take a beaming pinkette over one of those assholes any day. 

 

Gray finished eating and asked Natsu if he wanted to watch anything on TV while Gray got dressed and Natsu gave him a look of such pure glee that Gray bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning in response to. Natsu was doing weird things to his head. Gray lifted the top of the ottoman and Natsu looked through the movies he had, finally choosing Ghost Rider because,  _ He’s a guy on a motorcycle and he’s on fire! On fire, Gray! _ Gray chose that moment to let Natsu know that anyone that kept themselves in flames so often wouldn’t live very long and Natsu grumbled that if he had powers he would totally use fire and Gray couldn’t help the chuckle that left him then because Natsu was so warm each time he came close that Gray believed him wholeheartedly. When Natsu grinned smugly in his direction and declared that Gray would be an Ice Prince because ‘the cold never bothered you anyway,’ Gray didn’t dignify that with a response and he made his way to his room to change clothes. The copy of the movie  _ Frozen _ that was in his stache wasn’t  _ his. _ Lucy had brought it over some months ago when Gray reluctantly agreed to host movie night that month and a bloody parade of people trailed through his house. Granted, he did know mostly everyone, but there were just too many faces under his roof and the copy of the girliest disney movie to grace the planet remained in his movie collection ever since. He had actually felt a bit of empathy for Elsa, what with pushing away the people around her for their own good, losing her parents, and keeping herself and her secrets locked away from prying eyes. Then the movie had gone on a spiel about  _ love _ and how it solves everyone’s problems and he’d pointedly left the room to get a drink. Kids probably watched that movie and got all starry-eyed about the strength of love when really love was a monster just waiting for the moment it could shoot an arrow through people’s hearts and doom them. 

 

He shook his head and pulled on a pair of jeans and a fitted black sweater, thin cotton. He didn’t really get cold so it would be enough. That and he didn’t want to put too much thought into what he was wearing, sort of hoping he could just hide behind the bar or on the balcony without talking to too many people. Maybe just Natsu if they were left alone. He’d actually prefer it if they stayed home to watch Ghost Rider, even if he didn’t think the movie was all that great, because socializing with one person was better than doing so with a crowd and Natsu was far less tiring than the rest of them. So far, he hadn’t pried into Gray’s personal life, letting Gray tell him whatever he wanted to whenever he felt like it. Others didn’t give him that luxury. They wanted to know everything about who he was dating, fucking, why he wasn’t dating anyone at all, if he was depressed because who wants to be alone- 

 

A thought made him pause as he headed downstairs and looked at the pink head of hair turned toward the television, tan muscles practically vibrating with excitement. He realized two things at once. One, Natsu had probably been bored out of his mind if a movie he’d apparently already seen had him so happy. Two, Gray had told Loke he was seeing someone. He had described Natsu. He knew he wouldn’t be expected to bring his so-called date so soon, which was a good thing because he couldn’t exactly point to the air beside him and introduce Natsu, but that didn’t mean that others hadn’t possibly got wind of the supposed new development in his dating life. He might be expected to talk about… his nonexistent significant other. He sighed in annoyance at the thought and figured he could just mutter half-truths the way he did with Loke. He could talk about Natsu, and he was realizing he would have to come up with a fake name for the man since saying Pinky might be too obvious, and just try to look all love-struck and stupid. It would be fine. Maybe. It was hard to lie to Erza. And he would have to be careful around Lucy too, because she knew Natsu well and would probably be suspicious in some way or another if his description hit a little too close to home. 

 

He shrugged to himself. No use worrying about things before they were actually problems for him. He swung his legs over the back of the couch in one swift movement and sat beside Natsu, one arm behind the pinketter resting on the back of the couch. Natsu startled a bit and stared at Gray with a hint of suspicion, but when Gray said nothing and just watched the movie, Natsu seemed to let the tension just ease out of him and before long he was cheering on the lead character and flinching as some guy’s face crumbled away on screen, leaning closer to Gray, seemingly without realizing it. Gray’s eyes drifted from the screen to Natsu who was… very close at this point. So close that Gray swallowed and the small noise in his throat seemed to catch Natsu’s attention because in the next moment Natsu turned his head toward Gray, shining green eyes widening at the sight of Gray so close to him, a centimeter between their noses and Gray could feel warmth ghosting over his lips, his eyes drifting down to what looked like soft pink lips so near, so pretty. Wide green eyes were roaming over Gray’s face, looking for something, anything to tell him that Gray was uncomfortable, something to calm the fire in his veins that spread with every second that Gray looked at him that way, as if he wanted nothing more than to devour him, to taste him. Natsu needed Gray to look away and tell him he was hallucinating or something because, if Gray wanted him, Natsu didn’t think he could turn him away, ghosthood- ghostness- ghostliness? Whatever, be damned. But Gray wasn’t looking away from him. Gray wasn’t leaning away. Gray was tilting his head a little to the right and leaning in closer, eyes half-lidded and intense, tongue darting over his lower lip and Natsu’s breath caught in his chest, his pulse racing, muscles not daring to move before he saw what would happen and- 

 

_ Everybody lies, lies, lies!  _

_ It’s the only truth sometimes! _

 

Natsu lurched back and Gray jumped back in his seat, head swivelling around toward the kitchen where he’d left his phone, the sounds shocking them both out of whatever spell they’d been under, and Gray practically ran to answer, leaving Natsu red-faced and breathless as he sat in front of the television and tried desperately to fake some interest in the scenes playing out on the screen even as his ears picked up on the conversation Gray was having on the phone. 

 

There was a very loud and uncharacteristic greeting from Gray as he yelled out, “Erza! Heey,” and based on the long pause that came after that, Erza was baffled by it too, and then several muttered assurances to her as she moved past it and demanded Gray’s attendance to the party.

 

When Gray finally hung up, he looked toward Natsu and bit his lip. Jesus. He had gone and leaned in and now everything was awkward again and tan ears were bright red from where Gray was standing. What the hell had he been  _ thinking? _ He couldn’t touch Natsu. His fingers went right through him. Just that morning in the piano room Natsu’s entire arm had gone straight through Gray’s hip. And Gray had been leaning in to… to what? To kiss him? He was a fucking idiot. He didn’t even kiss most of the people he had sex with, just left a string of hickeys over their necks and chests and took them or, on rare occasions, let himself be taken. Kissing felt so much more intimate and personal and it wasn’t something he’d done with more than three people. His first kiss with a girl had been a mistake and he’d realized it almost immediately because it made him feel nothing other than guilt for humoring the girl and a need to wipe his mouth, his second had happened with Laxus and was rough and fast and more gasping and harsh breathing than it was an actual kiss, and then that time he’d gotten drunk and Loke had kissed him after a month of their thing and Gray had felt too hazy to protest. In hindsight, that would have probably been a good moment to push the ginger away and have a conversation about their friendship and the meaning of ‘no strings,’ but mistakes were made and it was too late to regret that missed opportunity now. What he needed to be doing was getting a good grip on himself and wondering what the hell was wrong with him because he’d almost tried to kiss  _ Natsu. _ A ghost that he would be spending every day with for the foreseeable future. He couldn’t ignore Natsu and not take his calls the way he would with anyone else. Natsu was there no matter where he went and Gray could not let himself gain feelings for… him. Gray stared and felt his hands shaking as he gripped the counter to keep himself from stumbling back. Feelings for Natsu. Something cold and desolate settled in the pit of Gray’s stomach as flashes of memories circled in his head. Getting the news at school that Ur was gone. Watching Lyon run in front of a car for Juvia, his blood pooling on the pavement. Sitting in the waiting room as a nurse said she was  _ so sorry  _ for his loss, that Ultear hadn’t made it through the surgery, but Jellal had. 

 

Feelings. No.He refused. He grabbed his phone and his keys and walked out the front door, closing it behind himself, not checking to see if Natsu would follow. He knew Natsu would, he just couldn’t bring himself to be courteous at the moment, opening doors for the ghost as if he was Gray’s real date and not just an excuse he was using to keep Loke at bay. Gray saw Natsu as a friend by now, but he couldn’t show him consideration at the moment, not with his heart making fluttering motions in his chest, not with the icy fear spreading in his very blood. 

 

It didn’t surprise him in the least when Natsu shoved himself through the passenger side door with a grimace etched in his features and glared at Gray, but Gray said nothing, keeping his eyes on the road, and before long Natsu’s angry expression shifted into something nervous and concerned. Gray wasn’t looking at him. Okay. Natsu supposed they weren’t going to talk about it. That… surprisingly that hurt, but it was just as well. Gray shouldn’t be trying to kiss pathetic pining ghosts anyway. Gray was beautiful and strong and deserved someone just as amazing. Not that anyone really came to mind when Natsu thought about it, but still. It was fine. Really. Natsu wasn’t that wounded by it. They would ignore whatever that moment was and go to the party and maybe Natsu could be distracted from the stinging pain in his chest for long enough to let it fade away. 

 

Soon they were getting out of the car, Gray not even glancing back at Natsu and leaving him to get out of the car on his own. Natsu didn’t bother hiding the hurt on his face. It wasn’t like Gray would turn around to see it. He pushed himself through the door, the metal sending a jarring feeling through his insides. His irritation rose instantly as he felt that disturbing sensation for the third time, and then again when he had to make his way through the window panels into the building because Gray hadn’t left the door open. Asshole. 

 

Natsu remembered the way up to Cana’s apartment. He actually didn’t know why he was putting in all this effort to get there. If he had just stayed in the car, his connection to Gray would have just took him straight into the party, since being on a different property than Gray was too far for him to remain stable. Mavis had explained that to him in the middle realm. He would be pulled to Gray no matter what. He would remain at Gray’s side no matter what. And currently Gray wasn’t talking to him because of what they had almost tried to do. It stung all the more, because now Natsu had seen the look on Gray’s face, pure hunger. Pure need. It hurt so much more to realize that if he had lived another five minutes, ran out of the car’s way, made it to Gray… he might have had a real chance. Gray might have accepted to be his friend. Gray might have liked him eventually. Gray might have said yes to a date. Gray might have been his boyfriend. Maybe one day, Gray might have leaned in and kissed him and they could have been… something real. Might have been. Could have been. Wouldn’t ever be. Natsu didn’t realize he was crying, that tears were streaming down his face, until it was too late to wipe them away angrily and he was looking at the stricken, pained look on Gray’s face across Cana’s apartment as Gray stared straight at him from his seat at the bar. Natsu quickly looked away and wiped his tears because, fuck, what a  _ stupid _ reason to cry. Gray would think he made Natsu cry and he  _ hadn’t _ ; it was Natsu’s fault for being a drunk moron and dying five minutes before he could meet Gray. 

 

He was irritated with Gray for the whole door thing, but he hadn’t wanted to ever put  _ that _ look on his face. Natsu made his way to the balcony, hoping that Gray wouldn’t follow him because he didn’t want to have the awkward conversation and he didn’t know what he would say. How would he explain that?  _ I’m so sensitive that I cried because you were mad at me for ten minutes? Kiss? No, of course not, I was just inspecting your face.  _ He shook his head at himself. There wasn’t much he could say. And it didn’t matter because Gray hadn’t followed him anyway. Natsu sighed, buried his face in his scarf. He knew the real scarf was buried with him, and he felt a brand new appreciation for Mirajane because of it, but he always sought comfort from his scarf, the last thing Igneel had given him before he died. It used to make his motion sickness bearable and it made him feel safe around other people after Igneel was gone. 

 

Igneel had told Natsu about his mother, how she’d died soon after giving birth to him, but how she’d been happy because she got to see him before she passed. Igneel told Natsu that if you loved someone more than you thought was possible, sometimes they were worth dying for. Natsu had asked Igneel his own childish way, if he regretted being with her since she died in the end. Igneel had looked him in the eye and said, “Never. I loved her. I would rather live knowing that I loved her for as long as I could, than live without ever having met her.” Natsu hadn’t understood then. He’d held onto the photograph of that woman, with her long, faded pink hair, braided back on one side of her scalp in a beautiful pattern, her light green eyes shining in the sunlight, a bright smile etched into her features aimed at the camera. She, as opposed to Natsu and Igneel, was quite pale, but that took nothing away from her beauty. Natsu had looked at her, trying to understand and failing miserably. Igneel had smiled at her image and pulled Natsu into a side hug. “You’ll understand one day.” 

 

Natsu hadn’t. He’d lived his entire life without finding someone he loved that much. Now, in his death, he felt he was much closer to understanding and that was a painful realization. One that came too late for him to be anything but helpless. 

 

Inside, Gray stared in the direction of the balcony, at the pink head of hair outside turned away from the party and he felt more guilty than he ever thought he would. He wanted to keep Natsu at a bit of a distance, but he didn’t want to see the ghost  _ cry. _ Natsu was all bright smiles and shining eyes and making him cry was like a crime against nature. Gray found himself standing before he could stop himself and walking toward the balcony. It wouldn’t help him keep Natsu at a distance at all, and he didn’t have a plan for what he would say, but he needed to say  _ something _ because hurting Natsu had never been his intention- 

 

Someone grabbed his arm and suddenly he was pulled toward a hard chest. He yanked himself away before his eyes widened. 

 

“Fullbuster, been a long time.” 

 

Gray scowled. “Laxus,” he responded, voice carefully devoid of emotion. Laxus wasn’t actually interested in him. He only hit on Gray when the guy that Gray had taken to calling Greenie was around and sure enough, just by the bathroom entrance was the tall lithe man, eyes watering as he stared at Laxus. 

 

Laxus took a step forward into Gray’s space, the back of Gray’s thighs hit the edge of the couch and Laxus grinned. “Miss me?” 

 

“No,” Gray responded, “Not everyone thinks you’re hot shit, Laxus.” 

 

Laxus’ grin dimmed, but he quickly recovered and it widened as he leaned further into Gray and his voice lowered, “No? Don’t remember me tying your wrists behind you, your legs on either side of my head, my cock deep inside you every time you screamed out begging me to fuck you harder?” 

 

Gray did remember it. He remembered how it blacked out every single one of his worries and made him lose control. Laxus was the only one to ever top him. Maybe he did miss it, the feeling of being taken. But he didn’t want  _ Laxus _ to be the one to take him, and as he cast one more look to the side and saw Greenie making his way toward the exit, he had a feeling Laxus would regret it too. 

 

“Fuck off, Laxus. Your boyfriend is leaving in tears because you’re an asshole.” 

 

Laxus’ head snapped toward the door and his eyes widened as he saw the green head of hair vanishing into the crowd of people arriving. “He’s not my boyfriend,” he said, but already he was letting Gray go and walking away from him. 

 

Gray sighed in relief when a voice made him go rigid and he realized he’d been relieved far too early. 

 

“How would your new boytoy feel about that?” 

 

Gray turned toward the voice with a grimace. “He’s  _ not _ my  _ boytoy.” _ His voice was low and furious, his eyes narrowed to match and Loke’s eyes widened behind his glasses. 

 

The ginger recovered admirably and shrugged, “You took a while to push Laxus away. Figured you weren’t all that serious about the new kid.” 

 

He didn’t know what he was going to say until it was coming out of his mouth. “I care about him. I wouldn’t play with his feelings, Loke.” 

 

Then Loke was pressed up against him, his mouth by his ear and whispering, “Like you played with mine?” 

 

Gray shoved him away immediately, not wanting Loke to get any ideas, not wanting him to dig the hole any deeper. “Loke, I never meant to-” 

 

But Loke was laughing and lightly punching Gray’s shoulder and Gray was confused and just looking for answers to questions he didn’t dare ask. 

 

“You take everything too seriously, Gray. Thank fuck you didn’t say yes to that date. I would have been bored out of my  _ mind.” _ Loke was smiling widely, and if it weren’t for the tiniest of downturns at the corner of his mouth, Gray would have believed Loke completely, that it was just a joke, that it meant nothing, some elaborate prank and that Gray hadn’t actually hurt the man. But while Gray had kept his secrets and mannerisms locked behind a stone wall, Loke had let Gray see all that he was and all that he felt and Gray knew him better than that. 

 

His eyes softened in concern, his hand closed over his friend’s shoulder, and he said, “I’m really sorry, Loke.” 

 

And Loke’s face fell as he realized the jig was up and Gray could read him like an open book. He looked away, eyes falling to the floor as he wished for his glasses to fog up and hide his pathetically watery expression. “Yeah, well… shit happens, right?” he asked, not knowing how else to finish that sentence, yet knowing it was a terrible way to end it and doing so anyway. He shrugged off Gray’s hand, because Gray’s touch felt really good, amazing even, but knowing he could feel that touch and not have it engulf him completely, not take it tonight for himself the way he would have before… he couldn’t bare the sensation. Gray didn’t try to touch him again. 

 

“Right,” he said quietly. Then Loke was excusing himself to go to the bar and Gray felt someone’s eyes on him and turned to see Jellal. 

 

He was about to panic when Jellal said, “Loke already told me.” 

 

Gray deflated. “He did?” 

 

Jellal nodded once. “He needed to talk and knew I wouldn’t spread it around.” 

 

Gray knew Jellal was a good choice for advice. The man was calm and collected and his relationship with Erza was the kind that everyone wanted to have. He and Gray might have been close friends in another life, one where Gray’s older sister hadn’t fallen in love with him and given her life so the man could live his happily ever after with Erza. Gray would never be completely at ease with him. Still, he trusted Jellal completely. He’d spent enough time with Erza and him to know him well enough. 

 

“I…,” Gray began, only to stop because he knew he couldn’t really explain any of his reasons to someone else, nor did he want to. “Thank you,” he said instead. 

 

Jellal turned to look at the doorway just as Erza walked through the door. It was like a power he had, he always knew when she was around and she stole all of his attention. Erza was like the last family that Gray had left and he would kill for her, but he always felt a pang in his heart whenever Jellal looked at her, because he’d held Ultear and hugged her and wiped away the tears she denied existed because she’d just wanted Jellal to look at  _ her _ the way he looked at Erza, because she wanted them to be something real when they weren’t drunk, when Jellal wasn’t trying to gain feelings for her and failing as he tried to get Erza out of his head back then. 

 

“Loke says you found someone.” Jellal usually spoke in a very matter-of-fact tone and even if he wasn’t looking at Gray, Gray knew it was a question phrased as a statement and directed at him. 

 

“I… yes,” he said, because denying it and saying he’d blown off Loke for no reason would have been worse and he  _ had _ found someone, even if he hadn’t intended to find him and he wasn’t a… romantic interest. 

 

Erza was close by now and Gray was hoping Jellal wouldn’t say anything but then the man gave a tiny upturn of his lips and Gray knew he was  _ fucked _ as Jellal held out his hand for Erza and took his eyes off of her, looking at Gray and asking, “Will you be introducing him to Erza?” 

 

The redhead looked surprised for a brief second before turning to Gray and asking, “Who?” 

 

Gray and Jellal simultaneously spoke up. 

 

“No one.” 

 

“His boyfriend.” 

 

Erza’s eyes snapped toward a subtly smirking Jellal before snatching her hands to grab Gray’s shoulders and look into his eyes. “Boyfriend?” 

 

Gray’s words got stuck in his throat and Erza’s smile spread at a creepy speed, taking his silence for confirmation before she let go of his shoulders and turned to the room and no, no, no,  _ no- _

 

“Hey, everyone! Gray has a boyfriend!” 

 

There was an explosion of cheers and questions and several people raising their drinks in celebration and it was too much attention, too many eyes on him, and Gray felt himself closing off and Erza dragged him over to the balcony and Gray realized, to his horror, that he would have rather answered her questions inside in front of the mob instead of in front of Natsu. 

 

The balcony door swung open and Natsu turned to stare at Gray and Erza with wide, startled eyes, confusion lacing through his stance and Gray bit his lip to keep from saying anything because now was definitely not the time. 

 

Erza shut the door behind them and turned to Gray. She was standing with her side to the railing, Gray in front of her, and Natsu right behind her, a little to her side to get a good view of Gray, sending his the most puzzled expression Gray could recall on his face. 

 

“What’s this boyfriend of yours like? Is this why you haven’t been around? Do I know him?” 

 

Erza had an excited gleam in her eye and Natsu was looking more and more confused by the second, asking, “Boyfriend?” knowing that only Gray could hear him. 

 

“It’s not official!” Gray shouted out in an effort to calm Erza down and to covertly tell Natsu that no he didn’t have some random boyfriend. 

 

“But you like him,” Erza went on undeterred, a wide smile adorning her face. 

 

Gray met Natsu’s eyes, green watery eyes that the pinkette didn’t seem to be wiping anymore and Gray’s heart clenched at the small reminder of how he’d made the ghost cry. 

 

“I… I care about him,” Gray said, eyes not leaving Natsu’s face, “I’m an asshole to him sometimes,”  _ tonight, _ “and I have issues,”  _ a lot of issues, _ “but I think he knows that by now,”  _ since he’s seen me lost in music and blinking back tears,  _ “and he’s still… he’s still here for me.” Gray looked at Erza, back at the ground and then up at Natsu’s face, the small tentative smile that was peeking out from behind the white scarf and he said, “I really don’t want him to hate me.” 

 

Natsu let out a small laugh and Gray smiled, a weight lifting off of his shoulders as he directed his smile towards Erza so she wouldn’t find it strange. 

 

Of course, Erza found it strange anyway as her eyes narrowed and then she punched Gray’s chest hard and laughed. “You’re smiling! A real smile, not that awkward thing you do.” Gray blushed and Erza froze entirely, a cheshire grin lighting up her face. “Are you… blushing?” 

 

Natsu turned a bright pink while Gray’s face flamed completely. “What? No!” 

 

“You are!” 

 

Natsu sent Gray one last smile as he made his way through the balcony door to let him talk to Erza on his own and Gray cursed him in his head for making him deal with the beast by himself. Still, Gray couldn’t stop himself from smiling softly. His eyes followed Natsu even through the glass. They would be okay. Natsu wasn’t pissed at him and they would be alright. 

 

Erza leaned back against the railing and watched Gray’s face, the smile he got when he looked away from her and thought about this mystery man. The look on Gray’s face wasn’t just a smile or a blush that someone with a crush got when they talked about their special someone. The look on Gray’s face was the look of someone slightly terrified to ruin something great before it actually got the chance to be great. It was the look Erza had on her face about an hour after she met Jellal. That feeling that burned bright inside like love before it happened and Erza saw the way Gray didn’t look completely panicked yet. He didn’t realize that was what he was feeling.  _ A premature love. _ Erza suddenly understood that Gray didn’t actually know how deep he was in. 

 

She remembered the look on his face when that nurse came out and told them about Ultear. Gray had gone through foster homes because his sister wasn’t old enough nor financially stable enough to be taken seriously by the system and they’d kept her and Gray apart. Losing her over something she went into voluntarily damn near broke Gray and Erza had been the one trying to pick up the pieces of him because he couldn’t even look at Jellal after that for a long time. Gray had given her the same response every time she tried to get him to seriously date someone. “I don’t want to love someone, Erza.” And the pain on his features always reminded her of the way he’d looked imploringly at the nurse, a silent plea to stop saying the words she was saying. 

 

So Erza never pushed, no matter how much she wanted to. Now she realized that whoever Gray had his eye on had his work cut out for him, because the moment Gray felt himself being pulled under, he would fight the man every step of the way and Erza only hope that this guy that Gray cared for would be able to fight just as hard. No one could stay in Gray’s life for very long without being able to take a good punch emotionally. Gray had a habit of hurting people to push them away and Erza was probably the only one who’d stuck around through that, seeing the defense mechanism for exactly what it was and having none of it. 

 

“Don’t push him away, Gray.” 

 

He turned toward her with a scowl, but he saw the sad look on her features and he couldn’t be angry at her. She worried about him too much. “I… don’t think I can,” he replied honestly. Natsu was tied to him, ‘latched to his heart.’ That meant he couldn’t exactly leave Gray’s side, didn’t it? 

 

Erza’s smile looked a little doubtful, but she hugged him and Gray always had trouble hugging people back, not knowing exactly where to put his hands. Then she pulled back and held his shoulders tightly as she said, “I’m serious, Gray,” her eyes watering the smallest bit and Gray didn’t know what he’d done to make her look like that until she said, “You never know when something might happen to the people you care about and then they’re gone and it’s too late to tell them… how much they meant to you.” 

 

Gray realized Erza also knew Natsu. He realized she was talking about his death and it actually hurt to know that they were talking about the same person and he couldn’t even tell her that Natsu was okay. 

“You’re talking about Natsu, aren’t you?” he asked. 

 

Erza looked stricken and puzzled and Gray explained, “Lucy told me about him.” 

 

“Oh,” she said, “You were at the funeral, but I don’t think you were really there, you seemed distracted and you didn’t see me, so I didn’t know if-” 

 

“I didn’t know him, but… when was his birthday?” he asked, an idea coming to mind.  

 

Erza had looked confused before, but now she looked baffled. “Why do you want to know?” 

 

Gray shrugged. “Lucy said he never had a birthday party and I just figured maybe we could have one for him, just… I don’t know, watch movies or shows he would have liked, or do things he liked to do? Sort of to… remember him.” He mumbled out the last few words of his idea because he felt stupid the longer he went on. Maybe Natsu wouldn’t even like it and Gray was wasting his time. Maybe Erza wouldn’t want to do it either and maybe- 

 

A choked laugh made him look up at her and she was smiling so wide he thought it must have hurt, practically beaming at him. “He would have loved that,” she said. Gray couldn’t help the grin that pulled at his features. “Can we do it at your place? Do you mind?” 

 

Gray didn’t exactly enjoy hosting, but Natsu… Natsu had chosen  _ him _ as his connection and Gray would be lying if he didn’t feel a little bit responsible for him. He  _ did _ care about him. Maybe not in the way he’d implied to Erza, but he really did. Maybe he wanted to show Natsu that they couldn’t… kiss or be involved or anything, and maybe Gray would be an asshole sometimes and he couldn’t change that overnight, but he still valued Natsu as a friend. He’d let Natsu see him while recording music, at his most vulnerable, and Natsu was probably the best friend that Gray could ask for. Maybe he just wanted the pinkette to know that. 

 

“Sure, I don’t mind,” he told her. He saw Natsu smiling to himself as he stood close to the bar waiting for Gray. Gray felt abnormally warm. Natsu was worth it. 


	12. Terrified

A week had gone by and Gray was nervous. Really nervous. More nervous than the situation called for. He had maybe an hour before people showed up, so he started getting dressed. 

 

Of course Natsu took one look at a very exposed Gray, Gray had lost any modicum of modesty ever since the shower incident and now undressed entirely whether Natsu was in the room or not, and the poor pinkette turned bright red and silently made his way out of the room. 

 

Gray smiled, after all, Natsu had already gone out of the room so it wasn’t like he would see it. Gray had gotten used to leaving all the doors open inside the house so that Natsu could get around comfortably without having to walk through doors. When Natsu noticed it, he had smiled softly and hidden that smile in his scarf as if he didn’t want Gray to see how much it meant to him, and Gray almost wished he hadn’t because that smile made that small fire light in his chest again and he wasn’t prepared to handle it. Almost. The thing was… Natsu’s smile was pretty. Incredibly so. It was the kind of smile that could send people to war in the name of the person who owned it. Even if it made Gray place a shaking hand over his chest to calm his heart, he wouldn’t want to miss it. 

 

The sounds of the doorbell pulled him out of his thoughts. 

 

Natsu was sitting on the couch and turned to look at Gray expectantly. “Is someone supposed to come over?” 

 

Gray shrugged, not wanting to give the surprise away. 

 

Lucy was the first one there and Gray thought she’d arrived alone until he looked at the  _ cat in her arms _ that just happened to have  _ light blue fur. _ Gray was about to ask what the cat was here for when- 

 

“Happy!” Natsu shouted out in excitement, smiling so wide Gray thought it must have hurt. 

 

The cat, previously intent on pawing Lucy’s chin, seemed to have a fit in Lucy’s arms as it wriggled its way out and jumped toward the couch. Lucy wore a panicked expression for all of two seconds before she realized she hadn’t dropped Happy and he’d landed safely on the sofa. 

 

Natsu ran to Gray’s side to point at Happy so that Gray would know Natsu cared about the cat and he froze beside Gray when he noticed Happy was following him, meowing loudly as he ran. Natsu watched with wide, watering eyes as Happy nuzzled up to his leg, only to blink and yowl in confusion as his body kept going forward with the momentum and his face collided with Gray’s leg. Natsu laughed, this breathless little chuckle as Happy kept going right through him, recognizing the warmth of him. Going through  _ objects _ felt incredibly awkward, but sometimes, like when Natsu went right through Gray to irritate him with the chills he got afterward, Natsu felt something like the essence of that person. At first, Gray had felt like he was just  _ freezing, _ but after Gray started warming up to him and being less standoffish, he felt cool and soothing, like ice cubes in a bowl of soup for a sick child, cooling down what felt like flames so that person wouldn’t burn in the heat. That’s what Gray felt like. Sort of like iced water in summer, like relief. Apparently, Happy felt like… well,  _ happy. _ The cat was purring and running around Natsu in circles and whenever he passed through the pinkette’s foot or something, he would feel giddy, which made Natsu smile, but also confused, which made that sensation rush through Natsu with increasing speed and he was starting to feel dizzy. He felt ridiculous because there was nothing for him to feel  _ confused _ about and second-hand emotions were  _ weird. _

 

He didn’t know why he stepped closer to Gray. Maybe it was instinct at this point. 

 

A pleasant shiver shot up along Gray’s spine as he felt that warmth so close to him. Natsu didn't notice it. Lucy was too busy looking at Happy quizzically as she tried to figure out what had him so riled up that she didn’t see it. Gray tried not to blush. 

 

“That’s… weird,” she said, her eyes locked on a purring Happy as the cat shifted excitedly from foot to foot. “He’s been depressed since Natsu-,” she bit her lip and shut her eyes, breathing out and then going on, leaving that sentence unfinished, “Happy sort of just sits around the apartment all day. He won’t move. Or do anything. He just eats and sleeps and looks… heartbroken.” She tried to look at Gray, but her eyes kept straying over to Happy who was pawing at his legs. 

 

Unbeknownst to her, Natsu was using Gray as a shield because he couldn’t handle the dizziness of Happy’s confusion anymore. 

 

Gray wanted to ask Natsu what the hell he thought he was doing, partly because Lucy looked more relieved by the second and Gray didn’t think that meant anything good for him, but mostly because Natsu’s warmth right by his body, encircling him, was causing fluttering little movements in his chest that he couldn’t take for much longer. 

 

Then Erza and the rest of the little mob were making their way inside the house and Gray had other things to focus on. 

 

Natsu kept asking him what everyone was here for, in between little outbursts of excitement when he saw they’d brought certain movies or T.V. series. 

 

Everyone was greeting Gray, but Gray nodded silently as he tried to ignore Natsu’s questions about whether or not they were having a party. He would look like a lunatic if he started talking to thin air, though Happy was tilting his head to the side curiously as he looked between the two of them and the way Natsu seemed to be so comfortable in his personal space. 

 

Natsu was asking Gray questions after question and Gray pretended to stretch randomly so that his arm went through Natsu’s chest. He’d been hoping to distract the ghost, but suddenly Natsu went silent and Gray turned his head to the side to look at the pinkette, tears gathering in his eyes and hastily retracted his arm, only for it to not even phase the ghost. Gray followed Natsu’s line of sight and grew more confused. That is, until Natsu whispered, “ _ Dilexit,” _ and Gray remembered the single word on Natsu’s tombstone. Natsu’s whole body seemed to have frozen at the sight of Mirajane, guilt marring his face, and Gray wondered what the story was there. 

 

“Gray, can I talk to you?” 

 

Gray jumped slightly in position and turned to look at Mirajane again instead of the empty space where he could see Natsu but no one else could. Except probably Happy. The cat was still following the ghost around. And nuzzling Gray’s leg. 

 

“Sure…?” he replied, not entirely sure what Mirajane would want to talk to him about. Of course, then he saw Jellal coming in and dragging Loke in with him and, to make matters worse, Laxus was trailing in behind them with his green-haired guy on his arm and he looked at Gray, brought a hand to the guy’s face, and kissed the man softly. Gray remembered when Laxus had kissed him. It had only happened during sex and it was  _ nothing _ like what Laxus was doing now. Laxus always flirted with him in public but no one knew he and Gray were once… sexually involved. Gray had always been his dirty little secret and Gray tried not to feel bitter about it. He’d gone and done the same thing to Loke. The difference was Gray never gained deep feelings for Laxus and he knew what he’d done to Loke was worse, which made the fact that Loke was back in his home, where they spent so much time exploring each other, all the more awkward. He followed Mirajane out to the backyard, where Gajeel and Cobra were apparently putting a bunch of wood in a pile and surrounding said pile with rocks. Great. Natsu liked bonfires. Gray actually wasn’t surprised in the slightest. 

 

Mirajane handed Gray a box wrapped in a sheet of pink with a red bow on it. He gave her a quizzical look and she smiled softly. “I cleaned out Natsu’s place when… after the accident,” she explained. They both ignored that that must have been only a couple weeks prior. 

 

Natsu couldn’t bring his eyes up to see Mirajane. Gray could she was clearly important to him and on impulse asked, “Do you know what ‘dilexit’ means?” 

 

Mirajane stared at him for a moment before she nodded and let out a soft, “Yes.” A small pause and then, “You read it from his tombstone.” 

 

Gray nodded, even though she already knew, even though she hadn’t been asking. Natsu seemed torn between staying to hear what she had to say and going back inside on his own. He settled for shifting awkwardly from one foot to another and Gray tried not to frown. 

 

He caught Natsu eyeing the box and changed the subject, “Why are you giving this to me? What is it?” 

 

Natsu looked at Mirajane again, biting his lower lip as he struggled to hold himself back from talking to her. It would hurt too much to see that she wouldn’t respond, that she wouldn’t hear him. He wanted to apologize, to tell her so much that he would never be able to now. 

 

Mirajane let a small smile stretch over her face. It didn’t reach her eyes, but she looked down at the box and her smile dimmed entirely. “I found… I mean, this was in- in his apartment and I… didn’t know what to do with it because,” she hesitated, and Gray noticed that he bangs, which she usually kept out of her face were loose and she let them fall over her eyes, “He just never said anything.” Her voice had dropped down to a whisper and Gray saw Natsu tense beside him, eyes wide as he stared at the box, dread slowly making its way over his features and Gray was suddenly a lot more interested in the contents of the box. It seemed Natsu had figured out what it was. “I would’ve accepted him,” she whispered, and Gray suddenly felt like Mirajane just didn’t look right without a soft smile or an angry grimace when she fought with Erza. He hadn’t known her for more than a couple of years but he hadn’t seen her near tears and he didn’t know how to comfort  _ Erza, _ much less Mira. 

 

Then the words hit Gray and he saw that dread wasn’t the only thing spreading over Natsu’s face. A blush was spreading all the way to the ghost’s ears and suddenly he knew exactly what he would find in the box and he found himself turning crimson. It wasn’t like he didn’t have…  _ material _ of his own, but he had never expected to get these types of things from  _ Mira _ and he knew that this was  _ Natsu’s  _ which meant that when Natsu, oh dear god,  _ touched himself _ , this was  _ what he used. _ That fluttering thing in his chest was back with a vengeance.

 

“M-mira, you… why, I- why me?” He had to ask. Actually, he wanted to refuse, to push the box back to her, but he found himself clutching it closer and Natsu made a strangled noise at the back of his throat and he looked  _ beyond mortified,  _ his face buried in his hands and his ears practically flaming. 

 

Even through a choked voice, Mirajane laughed at Gray’s flustered state. Gray didn’t usually get so worked up over anything. She shrugged. “You’re throwing him a birthday party,” she said, as if it was an obvious reason to give Gray Natsu’s spank bank material. “I didn’t know anyone else who was gay  _ and _ would appreciate Natsu’s particular…  _ tastes.” _

 

Natsu banged his head on the outside wall and yelped as he slid through it. Gray laughed and it came out high-pitched and awkward because he was still reeling from the words Mirajane said. She winked at him, and made her way back inside as Natsu pulled himself from the wall and looked back and forth between Gray’s face and the present in Gray’s hands. 

 

Both of them spoke at once.    
  


“I won’t open it.” 

 

“Please don’t read it.” 

 

They stared at each other in surprise before there was awkward laughter and Gray realized Gajeel was staring at him like he’d lost his mind. He shrugged and gave the man a deadpan stare until Gajeel turned away and ignored his presence. Gray let out a tiny breath of air and Natsu gave him a winning smile, even though his face was still tinged a pink hue. 

 

Natsu opened his mouth to say something and Gray took out his phone and put it to his ear so that Gajeel wouldn’t think Gray needed a therapist or something. 

 

“So… You’re throwing me a birthday party?” 

 

Gray willed his blood to not rush to his face. It didn’t work. “I… may have.” 

 

Natsu beamed at him. “This is all for me?” 

 

Gray pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don’t sound so pleased.” 

 

That grin only grew wider. Then Natsu looked serious and shy and he was tugging at the lower end of his scarf and Gray thought that just wasn’t fair. He was… cute. Too cute. 

 

“You didn’t have to, you know…. No one else would.” 

 

Gray shook his head. “Lucy would have.” 

 

“Only if I was still alive,” Natsu replied, and he levelled Gray with an intense stare, all shining jade-colored eyes tinted by the sunlight, and Gray had to look away to cool down the warmth rising up inside of him. 

 

“I… I just thought- I thought you… deserved it. And- And I didn’t know much about what you like and I know you don’t sleep, and you probably get bored, and you can’t switch the channels on the TV so I thought I could put other things on or-” 

 

And then Natsu was hugging him, and Gray couldn’t feel skin hitting his skin, but he could feel warmth envelop him completely and it didn’t feel like a raging fire in his chest the way it had the first time Natsu touched him, but like sitting by a fireplace in the cold and holding out your hands in front of it as a child around christmas time. It felt like Ur hugging Gray when a thunderstorm rolled through town and Gray was too small to understand it wouldn’t hurt him. It felt like Ultear crying in his arms and making him feel like he had something left to protect and care for. It drowned out his loneliness and made him feel like he wanted to cry because it wasn’t solid and he couldn’t hug back. 

 

Then Natsu was letting go and smiling so brightly that Gray felt like the sun must have dimmed in comparison and he was running back inside, telling Gray to hurry up and get back to the party, and Gray felt that warmth slip through his fingers and he almost forgot he’d had his phone out. He pretended to hang up and he put it back in his pocket before heading back inside. 

 

Cana greeted him with a wide smile and asked him if he wanted a drink. While he’d been outside, Cana and Bacchus had set up a sort of tower of shots and the whole thing seemed to be lit with blue fire. Gray made sure to pick one from the top so as to not knock the thing down and burn his house down and told Cana to be careful. He should have known Natsu would like the flashy shots Cana made for special occasions. Natsu seemed to be looking at the thing in awe, a childish glee in his eyes that made something melt in Gray and he forced himself to tear his eyes away. Erza shoved him toward the couch and he took his usual seat, knowing no one would sit right beside him because they knew he liked his space. Erza sat in Jellal’s lap and glared at anyone who looked like they might comment and Gray stifled a laugh. Natsu laughed freely and it made Gray have to work twice as hard to restrain his own laughter. 

 

Erza smacked him and he ducked down, sending a smirk toward Natsu that Erza would interpret was for her. Natsu gave him a proud smile but said, “I could dodge her too,” and Gray finally let out a small laugh and Erza just froze in the middle of trying again and said, “Gray, when am I meeting the guy you’re dating?” 

 

Suddenly everyone was leaning a little closer and Loke stopped fiddling with the stereo because Elfman had brought a playlist that Natsu liked, but he wanted to hear this conversation more than he wanted to hear the music. 

 

Other questions were thrown at him. 

 

“Who is he?”

 

“What does he look like?” 

 

“What kind of guy is he?” 

 

“How long have you known him?”

 

“Is it official yet?”

 

Gray sent one glance at Natsu who turned pink again because by now he knew who Gray was talking about when he said he was ‘dating’ someone, and they had almost, well, they wouldn’t have been able to kiss, but it had felt like they’d both wanted it and Natsu was so grateful that no one but Gray could see him, even though Gray alone seeing him was probably worse than everyone else being able to. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. 

 

Unfortunately, Laxus was leaning against the kitchen island right next to Natsu and he smirked when he assumed Gray was looking at  _ him _ and he looked so fucking smug and then the guy Gray had heard Erza calling ‘Freed’ was shrugging Laxus’ arm off of him and Laxus looked like he knew he’d fucked up, his eyes miserable and apologetic and Gray looked away before the sight could make him uncomfortable, his eyes falling on Natsu and seeing the slight frown on the pinkette’s lips as green eyes followed Laxus and then fell back on Gray. Gray felt a jolt of guilt and he didn’t know why he felt guilty. He wasn’t anything with Natsu. Just friends. They were friends. That’s it. 

 

Gray realized Erza was staring at him expectantly, along with everyone else in the now quiet room and he couldn’t remember the last time any of these people had actually been quiet for this long and in a rushed panic he said the first words his mouth managed to form, “He’s perfect.” 

 

Natsu’s jaw dropped a little and Gray winced as Levy squealed. She was the most romantic person in the room, probably. 

 

Erza prepared to speak again but Gray spoke over her, “And we’re not official yet so you can’t meet him.” 

 

He instantly regretted his wording because saying ‘yet’ made it seem like they  _ would _ be official at some point and Natsu looked like he might faint. Gray knew he wouldn’t, but he still didn’t look like he was processing Gray’s words quite right. Then the pinkette was turning away to look at the shot tower again and Gray sighed, ignoring other people’s questions and asking about the T.V. series they’d bought. 

 

_ Apparently, _ Natsu’s guilty pleasures involved several survival animes, comedy sitcoms, and action movies with many explosions. Die Hard seemed to be a popular choice. 

 

When the debate about what they should all watch came up, Natsu sat in the empty space next to Gray and eagerly said he wanted to watch his favorite anime, “Fairy Tail,” because he hadn’t been able to watch the last few episodes and it was about a, “Completely awesome dragon slayer that can  _ eat fire _ to get stronger!” 

 

After the debate over what to watch nearly escalated into a fight, Gray stood, took out the disk with the latest season of Fairy Tail and said that anyone who didn’t like it could go drink shots or go help with bonfire, he didn’t care. There was a lot of grumbling, but as Gray took his seat again, Natsu was once more hiding his pleased smile in his scarf and Gray felt very accomplished. 

 

Until Erza looked at Gray and said, “But… you don’t watch Fairy Tail.” 

 

“I do now.” 

 

Erza looked like she wanted to argue but Jellal, who secretly loved the show, kissed her as he kept an eye on the screen. 

 

Happy jumped up onto the couch and crawled into the space where he expected Natsu’s thighs to be, his confusion palpable when he sunk on the cushions. He kept trying to climb up and rest over Natsu’s legs, but the cat saw Natsu squirming around and looked up to see the slight discomfort in green eyes and jumped onto Gray’s lap. Natsu sighed in relief and started running his fingers through Happy’s fur. Happy couldn’t feel the hand, but he knew Natsu and Natsu’s warm presence instinctively and he purred loudly, completely content to remain in the cold one’s lap as long as Natsu kept petting him. 

 

Lucy came from the kitchen with a tray of shots and promptly dropped them all over the hardwood floor. Someone paused the episode they were watching and everyone turned to Lucy. The blond was staring at the cat in Gray’s lap in disbelief as several people asked if she was okay. 

 

“I- I’m sorry, it’s just, umm. Happy… I’ve had Happy since,” there was a long silence as the mood became a bit sad as everyone took in what she meant, some people started looking at Happy, “And he just looks so  _ sad _ all the time and he hadn’t purred or cuddled up to anyone since then and- and,” she seemed to run out of words and the silence was broken by a pleased purr as Natsu curved his fingers in a scratching motion behind Happy’s ear. To everyone else it looked like Happy was just  _ super  _ pleased with Gray’s general presence. 

 

Elfman yelled out that the sight was  _ manly _ and Jellal chuckled as Erza commented that Happy, “Seems to like you, Gray.” Gray couldn’t exactly explain that a ghost was showing Happy affection so he merely nodded and then Lucy was kneeling in front of him and Gray became distinctly uncomfortable and she asked, “Do you mind if Happy stays here?” 

 

Gray almost protested but Lucy kept talking. “They don’t allow pets in my apartment and I have to keep sneaking him in whenever I take him out and he hates it there, he doesn’t care about anything but he likes you! He looks so- so…  _ happy.” _

 

Gray was close to shaking his head, but then he saw Natsu gnawing his lower lip between his teeth as he stared down at Happy with so much love and sadness in his eyes that Gray had to exhale slowly before he met Lucy’s eyes and smiled. “Sure, I always wanted a cat.” 

 

Erza snorted because that was a damn lie and she didn’t know what Gray was thinking. The guy he was dating was changing him somehow. 

 

Natsu looked shocked, but soon enough that look turned into such obvious gratitude and Natsu gave Gray another one of those hugs-but-not-really and Gray melted into the warmth, wishing he could ask Natsu to hold him a little longer, but not daring to say it in front of others, hell, not daring to say it even if they  _ had _ been alone. It would be too… sweet, too fragile. Gray couldn’t let Natsu in. Not that much. Natsu was getting through his walls far too easily. 

 

Erza leaned in closer to Gray from where she was sitting and Natsu leaned his head all the way back so that her hair wouldn’t pass through him and she asked, “Are you getting the cat to impress your new boyfriend?” 

 

Gray blushed scarlet and denied it vehemently but Erza laughed at him and poked a blushing cheek and he scowled at her, pointedly pretending he couldn’t see the flush on Natsu’s skin. He  _ had _ decided to keep Happy in a spur-of-the-moment decision because of Natsu, but it was just- Natsu wasn’t his boyfriend. All these little comments were getting to him. He just wanted Natsu to feel comfortable. He wanted Natsu to be less bored at night and to not have to go along with whatever Gray wanted just because of his… condition. He just couldn’t explain that to anyone in the room without being forced to take a psych evaluation to prove his sanity. Claiming to see ghosts was a pretty good way to fail that little exam. 

 

The rest of the party went pretty well, other than the moment when Gray had needed to go to the bathroom and it hadn’t been locked so he went in and walked in on what he assumed was Laxus making it up to Freed by giving the man a blowjob. That image was now etched in his brain. And of course, as soon as he’d headed down the stairs, Loke had been at the top step and he hadn’t realized Gray had  _ just walked in on that _ and assumed he’d been  _ a participant _ and said, “Really? A fucking threesome? Fuck you, Gray.” 

 

So now Gray knew for sure Loke wouldn’t talk to him anymore. Perfect. Just fucking perfect. 

 

But Natsu seemed to be having fun. He remained beside Gray the entire time, commenting on the episode they watched, laughing at the comedies they put on afterward, singing along to the intros for each show that he clearly knew by heart, telling Gray when his favorite parts were coming up, and Gray couldn’t help laughing softly whenever Natsu did. Natsu’s laugh was contagious, bright and warm and endearing and Gray would stop laughing abruptly each time that thought entered his head. 

 

It was getting late, so Gajeel and two guys named Sting and Rogue lit the fire outside and took a bunch of beer, marshmallows, chocolate bars, graham crackers, and pizza boxes that had been ordered at some point and Natsu looked comically miserable as the smell of pizza and the sight of smores was paraded in front of him. Gray chuckled and Natsu glared at him, but his glare softened when he realized Gray wasn’t eating either. Gray saw the baffled look on Natsu’s face and sighed, walking back inside on the pretense of getting a sweater and letting Natsu into his bedroom before shutting the door. 

 

“It’s your birthday party,” he said, shrugging. “If you can’t eat, I won’t either.” 

 

Natsu looked at him like he was crazy for passing up food. 

 

“You don’t  _ have to do that! _ You- You didn’t have to do  _ any of it. _ Look, I- I want to have Happy close, obviously, but you don’t want a cat-”

 

Gray tried to argue, but Natsu didn’t give him the chance because he shouted- 

 

“And don’t lie, I heard Erza snort. You don’t like cats. You  _ don’t. _ And you didn’t have to do this to find movies I liked, because you don’t even watch  _ Fairy Tail, _ Erza said so.”

 

“Natsu, I-” 

 

“And that’s fine! I get it!”

 

“Let me explain-”

 

“And you grimaced when you took that shot and you didn’t know  _ any _ of the songs they played on the stereo when the bonfire started, so you don’t listen to what I usually listen to and I’m  _ not asking you to. _ You don’t have to do all of this  _ for me- _ ”

 

“Natsu!” 

 

Natsu finally stopped rambling and Gray took one step forward into the pinkette’s space, his eyes full of irritation and Natsu stopped breathing. 

 

“I want to.” 

 

It felt like all the air came rushing back into Natsu’s lungs. 

 

Gray glared. “I  _ want _ to know more about you. I  _ want  _ to watch  _ Fairy Tail _ and all of the animes that they brought over  _ for you. _ I  _ want _ to laugh at sitcoms and comedy shows. I  _ want _ to know the kind of music you liked and if I don’t sing along it’s  _ not _ because I don’t know the songs, but because I’m not usually a  _ sing-along type of guy. _ I  _ want _ to keep Happy so that you don’t feel alone when I’m asleep because  _ this is your home now too.” _

 

Gray felt like he needed to breathe deeply to recover from saying so much so quickly, but Natsu was staring at him, eyes glowing softly in the moonlight that drifted in from the window and showed the tears gathering there and Gray held his breath. 

 

Home. Natsu could feel himself wanting to cry. No one had told him he was home ever since Igneel died. He didn’t know it would hurt and make him feel honored at the same time. He gave Gray a watery smile as he tried to blink away tears and said, quietly, “... Thank you.” 

 

Gray felt like his legs nearly gave out beneath him at the sight of that smile, at the sheer relief he felt knowing he hadn’t accidentally said something to hurt Natsu. 

 

“Natsu?” Gray asked suddenly. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

Gray chose his words carefully. “What is Mirajane to you?” 

 

He had thought Natsu was gay, and he thought the present might have confirmed that, but Natsu had looked at Mira in a way that made something dark and tainted gather in Gray’s chest and he didn’t like the feeling. 

 

Natsu blinked. “She’s like an older sister to me… why?” 

 

Gray smiled. “No reason.” He hadn’t been jealous. He  _ hadn’t. _

 

Green eyes narrowed at him and then Natsu impulsively asked, “And what’s Laxus to you?” 

 

Gray tensed at the question and calmly questioned, “Why do you ask?” 

 

Natsu shrugged, looking out the window at the bonfire below. “No reason.” 

 

He could tell Natsu was lying, but he couldn’t say so. It would make the tension from before return and Gray wanted to avoid that. Still, he wanted to be sure he wasn’t imagining things. He decided to test the waters. 

 

“I lost my virginity to him.” 

 

Natsu choked on air and his head snapped back in Gray’s direction. Yeah. Gray definitely wasn’t imagining things. Natsu felt the weird thing between between them too. That meant Gray would have to be cautious enough for the both of them. 

 

“We were never a couple though,” he explained. “I needed a place to stay in high school, Laxus wanted sex, we made a deal.” 

 

Green eyes widened in horror. “But it- that- your first-” 

 

“Relax,” Gray said. This was why he didn’t tell people. They would react as if he had delved in prostitution or something. “We both consented, he wasn’t turning eighteen for a few more months so we didn’t break any laws, and it was worth it. Better than being raped by my foster parent that year.” 

 

Light green eyes burned with hatred that shocked Gray and he said, “I would kill that fucker.” 

 

Then Natsu looked into wide midnight blue eyes and he seemed to realize how vicious his response was and he hurried to say, “I mean- I- he- the thing is, no one… no one should have to, umm, have to go through that! And… and-” 

 

And Gray started laughing softly because Natsu looked helplessly flustered and Gray couldn’t remember anyone but Erza ever reacting so murderously to hearing he’d been through something unfortunate. 

 

Natsu realized Gray wasn’t creeped out by his reaction and laughed nervously. 

 

“You know, I don’t hate that guy. At least I got away from him.” Gray shrugged as he sat on his bed and leaned back against the wall. Natsu was listening intently and Gray knew he would regret saying it, but he went ahead anyway, eyes drifting shut as he said, “There were worse people. Worse things.”

 

“Worse than some asshole pedophile?” Natsu sounded like he wanted to know, but was scared to hear the answer. 

 

Gray nodded. “At least he didn’t care if I left the house. Other people… other people would lock up the kids.” Gray had been very young when he’d entered the foster system. Just a seven year old. He hadn’t been prepared for the experience. 

 

Natsu kept quiet, because he didn’t know how many people knew this about Gray, he didn’t know if Gray ever opened up to people. That didn’t mean he wished he could murder the people that could make Gray sound so hurt years later. 

 

Midnight eyes opened slightly, but they didn’t look at Natsu. Gray thought if he looked at him, he might not be able to get the rest of the words out. “My first foster home was… crowded. They didn’t have room for me, so they put me in the attic. They didn’t- they didn’t have  _ lights _ up there. And the door shut from the outside so I was just… locked inside. Every night. With an old sleeping bag,” he gritted his teeth and he didn’t seem to register the fact that he’d folded his legs up close to his body in a defensive position as he spoke, hair falling forward over his face. “There were spiders. I don’t know if they had anything else up there, but all I ever noticed were the spiders and-... and I would pull the sleeping back close to the small window where a small strip of light would come in and I couldn’t-,” he breathed in and out, his voice catching and  _ fuck how could I think that I could actually say this to someone? _ Still, he forced himself to continue because  _ you already came this far. _ “I couldn’t sleep up there. I would sneak into the kitchen every day and try to steal the energy drinks in the fridge, even if they beat me when they found out, so that I could stay up until the sun started rising because… because I needed to  _ see _ .” He paused and looked at Natsu, eyes not crying, but showing a thousand emotions, a past hatred rising above the rest of them. “I needed to  _ see _ to kill the spiders.” 

 

Natsu didn’t look away from Gray, but Gray was astounded by the fact that he didn’t see pity in Natsu’s eyes. What he saw hurt much more than that, even though it shouldn’t have. What he saw was such deep empathy that he knew instantly,  _ he’s been in the system too. _

 

“I didn’t… I wasn’t locked up in my foster… ‘homes.’ I just… I would go to one and they would seem so nice at first and then… they would see the things I liked or the way I acted, or- or I would have nightmares about the way I lost my dad and…,” Natsu shrugged, not looking in Gray’s direction at all. “They didn’t want me anymore.” The last words were said in such a broken manner that rage climbed up in Gray’s throat. 

 

“Fuck them. I want you,” he said, and then they locked eyes and both of them realized  _ how that sounded  _ and pale skin and tan skin flamed at the same time. 

 

Gray cleared his throat, “Umm, we should- The others-” 

 

“Y-yeah, the bonfire-”

 

“And the music-”

 

“And… and you’re the host so you should-

 

“Yeah. Yes. Hosting. I’m hosting. Right.” Gray practically ran to the door and opened it and they both left the room, resolutely not looking at each other. 

 

Natsu stayed inside the house by the refrigerator waiting for people to open it so that he could cool his face and Gray went straight to the bonfire to stare into the flames and pretend he hadn’t said something so tremendously stupid. _What the fuck happened to being cautious?_ _Fuck._

 

_ “Fuck them. I want you.” _

 

_ Dear god. _ For the first time in his life, Gray wished he could tell Erza something he did wrong so she could beat some  _ sense _ into his head. 

 

Still, when the whole thing was over, several people had left things behind saying that Gray obviously enjoyed them seeing as he’d laughed a lot and Gray was notorious for remaining serious most of the time. They also said most of them had that stuff at their place solely because Natsu was rather forgetful and he kept leaving things behind when he visited, and given that Gray had Happy, at least they knew Happy used to seem just as excited as Natsu about the shows, as if he understood exactly what Natsu found entertaining. 

 

Once they were gone, Gray asked Natsu if he had fun, trying to get past the awkward atmosphere he’d created. Natsu smiled and said it was awesome… and went right back to staring at the floor in deep thought. Gray sighed. It seemed like he just couldn’t get these interactions right. 

 

Gray placed a sleepily purring Happy on the couch and turned on the television, lowering the volume and putting on the first season of the show  _ friends. _ It would last Natsu until Gray woke up. 

 

“Goodnight, Natsu.” 

 

“Night, Gray.” 

 

As soon as Natsu saw Gray go into his room, he sagged against the back of the couch. 

 

_ “Fuck them. I want you.” _

 

His blush kept stubbornly coming back to life each time he thought of the words. Gray didn’t mean it. Not the way Natsu wanted him to mean it. And hell, it would be worse if he  _ did  _ mean it because Natsu… Natsu was  _ dead. Deceased. Done for. Finished. Buried six feet underground. _ It didn’t  _ matter. _ It hurt. It hurt because, in spite of it all, a part of him really wanted Gray to mean it.  

 

And even if it hurt, Natsu still felt a smile tugging at his lips as he sang along softly to the opening of ‘Friends,’ and kept running his fingers through Happy’s fur. Gray had organized a birthday party for him. Gray was trying to get into  _ all  _ of his interests. Gray took in Happy and gave Natsu a place to call home. He’d done things for Natsu no one had done before and he started leaving all the doors inside the house open just so Natsu could feel better. Gray was so perfect it was unreal. 

 

Gray stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. He tried closing his eyes, but his thoughts were running wild and then the lyrics for a song started playing in his head and he groaned. He groaned because once he had lyrics in his head, they would play over and over again and sleep would evade him until he’d written them down. He covered his eyes in frustration because the words playing in his mind were words that he didn’t want to see on paper. 

 

_ It feels like he’s too far even when he’s closeby  _

_ And he’s got a smile that could light up the sky  _

_ And he’s sweet and he’s worth everything that I do  _

_ He’s that one kind of person I can’t bear to lose _

_ But I  _

_ Am fucking  _

_ Terrified  _

 

_ Yes, I’m  _

_ So goddamn  _

_ Terrified  _

 

_ Because I’m just not ready  _

_ Don’t think I’ll ever be ready _

_ I don’t want to be ready…  _

 

_ To fall in love.  _


End file.
